5 Ways to Spot Emotional Immaturity

5 Ways to Spot Emotional Immaturity

We have just launched a special membership to our YouTube channel. Sign up today for a host of unique benefits including monthly discount codes for our online shop, custom wallpapers, badges and emojis, as well as an exclusive chance to vote on topics for future films you’d like us to make. The best thing about physical maturity is that
it’s very easy to spot; we can so easily tell when someone has another decade of growth
to go – and can therefore set our expectations, and our levels of forbearance accordingly.
But we have no such luxury when it comes to emotional maturity. Here we can be constantly
surprised by whom we have on our hands. The most stunning forms of immaturity can coexist
with all the trappings of adult life and a confident and knowledgeable manner. It may
be a long time into a love affair or working relationship before we realise that we are
unwittingly dealing with an emotional neophyte. It pays, therefore, to try to arrive at a
few general guidelines for how an emotionally immature person can be spotted and if necessary
skirted very fast. Here are some of the lines that emotionally immature people have tendencies
to come out with in conversation and that should, at the very least, set alarms ringing:
‘I’m not so good at spending time on my own.’ What separates the mature from the
immature is, perhaps more than anything else, a capacity for being on their own, without
distraction, and thinking about who they are and what they have experienced. The mature
person can allow themselves to examine and as it were ‘feel’ their own feelings,
even when these are very difficult and hugely unwelcome. They can stomach an encounter with
their own rage, their own envy, their own shame. They don’t have to do what the immature
person is compelled to do: constantly find someone or something else to prevent them
from any risk of understanding their own mind. ‘I don’t really remember much about my
childhood.’ There are very few childhoods in which difficult things didn’t unfold.
Without anyone meaning for this to happen, with the best intentions, children’s development
gets impeded and bruised. What counts therefore isn’t that someone had a ‘happy’ childhood
(almost no one on the planet did entirely), but that a person should have a calm and insightful
view of what their childhood was actually like, in its good and bad aspects. An inability
to remember much about the past doesn’t indicate that it was idyllic or just ‘a
long time ago…’, rather that it hasn’t begun to be processed.
‘I’ve never really thought about that before…’ Emotionally immature people have
great difficulties with conversations that require them to draw on a knowledge of their
own enthusiasms, sorrows, projects and histories. So, as one sits with them over a drink and
asks, for example, why their last relationship broke up, or what meaningful work constitutes
for them or what they regret most from childhood, one has an above average chance of hearing
(perhaps quite sweetly) a reply along the lines that this is all too new and that they
have ‘never thought about this before’. It isn’t that the emotionally immature person
is being cagey; they simply haven’t properly inhabited, in its authentic pain and intensity,
the life they are actually leading. ‘Everything is pretty good. It’s fine,
all fine…’ It would be churlish to begrudge anyone a good mood. Nevertheless, the emotionally
immature person isn’t often just in a good mood, they are rigidly unable to enter a bad
one. Everything is declared fine (their parents, job, love affair, sex life, ambitions) because
they have no resources for coping with anything that might be more nuanced and more real,
that might entail anger, loss, confusion or wayward desires. One comes away from a dialogue
with such a person disoriented and lonely at the idea that any life could be quite so
cheerily one-dimensional. ‘That’s just a load of old psychobabble…’
As soon as a conversation threatens their emotional integrity, the emotionally immature
person will shut it down with the imperious verdict that it is a piece of over-complicated
nonsense. They appeal to an idea of robust simplicity instead, as though the origins
of all our problems might lie in thinking too much. It’s the sort of attitude that
might lead them to recommend that an anxious person ‘pull themselves together’ or to
claim that a lot of mental distress comes from not getting out enough. But of course,
none of this stems from confidence: it’s a terrified way of blocking one’s ears and
saying ‘No’ to truths that might hurt very much.
Emotionally immature people can be extremely charming and at points entertaining to be
around. But as a general rule, we’d be advised to give them a very wide berth indeed and
aim to check in on them in a decade or two. Life is in the end far too short, far too
interesting and far too lonely to spend very long around people who lack any interest in
trying to be, where it counts, emotional grown ups. We have just launched a special membership to our YouTube channel. Sign up today for a host of unique benefits

100 thoughts on “5 Ways to Spot Emotional Immaturity

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  2. Thinking of someone who might be emotionally immature while watching this but as time passes, most of it points out to me hahahaha

  3. This is the very reason that parents should be encouraged to have more than one child and that single people should never be allowed to live alone in council owned properties

  4. My favourite part is 'One comes away from a dialogue with such a person disoriented and lonely at the idea that any life could be quite so cheerily one-dimensional.' This is such a perfectly worded description of the type of feeling you get when you've had such a conversation. I thought there was something wrong with me for feeling it. Thank you!

  5. The first one is hugely prevalent especially when you are expected to consume goods until fulfilled. People have a lot of encouragement and avenues to escape themselves but not the consequences of doing so.

  6. 1. He is over 70
    2. He has orange skin
    3. His hair is really weird
    4. He has lots of money, but no empathy.
    5. He is a world leader.

  7. I’m allowed to just walk away? I really thought School of Life would say something like, recognize that the emotionally immature just think they are doing their best. And work with them on it. If I were to do this I would be walking away from some of my best friends.

  8. I don’t like the part where one should just take off on them. In the end, like pointed out in the video, they are just babies, and you don’t just leave a baby who is acting out for some reason for 10-20 years for them to grow up on their own. You leave them for a short while until they calm down and get out of their own heads and then you show them compassion and love and when the time is right you talk to them them calmly and maturely about their acting out, but you absolutely should’t wait 10-20 years for the talk either 🙂

  9. So if you are not a victim of your life you are immature? Ugh. No. I refuse to be bitter about my past. It is okay because it is over.

  10. Number 4. So you're saying I cant be happy about my situations? Or are you only talking in extremes when there house is on fire and theh say it's fine and do nothing about it. You can be fine and happy while things around you crumble so long as you are trying to maintain some stability and forethought to future events.
    The same can be said about number 3 with the "I've never really thought about it." Are we only talking about the questions proposed by the women. Does he start to think of it after he is asked? Does he still have passions and seems like a good guy even if he cant articulate exactly what is driving the passion?
    Overall I disagree with this video and its broad and hazy way of showing what could be emotional immaturity.

  11. The only thing i could ask of you now is that , to create a platform where you could just upload your lecture or content in a textual format, I'm sure everyone here appreciates the wisdom here, but if only there's a platform where i could just read all this wisdom at a place which i would be able to access easily and grasp easily.

  12. Yeah, having depression that deletes your memories because you had a shit childhood now could mean being emotional immaturity, not very helpful isn't it?

  13. So I don’t remember every detail about my childhood but I do remember a good chunk of it, that’s still a red flag?

  14. seems to me that emotional maturity is a spectrum rather than an on/off switch. Most of us probably have more work to do. Maybe the more emotionally mature you are, the more you can recognize and enjoy the ongoing process.

  15. But .. I really don't remember most of my childhood? I mean, I remember having memory difficulties and reading a lot ? which was apparently frowned upon.

  16. Video went completely over my head. You’re emotionally immature if you choose to ignore someone who is anxious? What? I think saying someone is emotionally immature is dismissive and is a hypocritical statement. Gotta stop look out and start looking in for the answers.

  17. He should simplify his knowledge a little be more. I really love the topics but I can follow his ideas.

  18. This sounds more like introspectively immature. You can both have thought about all these things and still be immature emotionally. Not sure if this makes sense.

  19. This channel has taught me so much. I feel like a lot of what you said in this video reaffirms what I have been thinking, but you articulate in a much better way than I ever could. Thank You! ?

  20. Ugh well
    My girlfriend is emotional immature.
    She knows about that problem aswell.
    But what shall i do if it doesnt improve?

  21. Excuse me sir, i think you’ve described the whole planet. Your point about leaving people who seem to have a “quirk” I think the only safe place to go would be Mars. Is there any other paths you can acknowledge?

  22. I’m sure, as a channel, you are aware of mental illness. Equally aware that the second “line” – “I don’t really remember much about my childhood”, is more than often a response from trauma in childhood. Hence the multiple therapies used to retrieve suppressed memories. In this video you paint it as if it’s a choice to forget your childhood? I personally had a brain haemorrhage and surgery as a late teenager which has left me unable to remember a lot of my childhood prior due to trauma, but this channel is painting not remembering as a “red flag” to be “avoided at all costs”. I’m disgusted by the lack of awareness you are promoting.

  23. Hahahahaha one of the best things on the internet.
    Was already thinking most of this stuff the past few days, and you nailed it. They literally need a short ‘hi’ once every decade. It’s all the same. Charming, grandiose ideas. Absolutely nothing to show for it ever. Feigns depth but is completely shallow and you can’t get them to consider a thing outside their erected ‘100% positive feedback only’ echo chamber.

  24. …all are growing… changing…
    some more learned some hardly grow… but its all down to the grave…
    NO graduation in growing/maturity…

  25. That was thought provoking because I may have acknowledged some of those traits in me.

    The first step is acknowledgment

  26. People with these traits can be members of one's family or a member of one's group of friends. In such a case how would you suggest dealing with such people, as eliminating them from one's life is not a viable option?

  27. I don't understand how not remembering your childhood is a sign of emotional immaturity. Further, I also don't understand how "That's just a load of old psychobabble" is also a sign.

    On the former: some people don't have great memories and they legitimately don't remember much of their childhood, but they do remember the important lessons they learned along the way. Assuming they are emotionally immature is rather condescending and what evidence do you have of this?

    On the latter: that's very vague. Are you saying that someone should not "shut down" an emotional bully who is unreasonable? That they must tolerate any insult or be labeled as an emotionally immature person?

  28. wow, I thought I was going to come out of this video feeling terribly about myself, but … apparently I'm emotionally mature!

  29. traumatic events has proven to weaken the brain's ability to form memories and thus if someone does not remember lots of their childhood it could just has been the trauma, and it shouldnt be written off as "everyone had it bad"

  30. they might tell you ''its fine'' because you don't really care for a negative response and are only asking to be polite lol. when someone asks how you are, don't assume they can be trusted or are even interested in hearing your problems. haha a therapist is a better option.

  31. At first, I enjoyed these videos. Increasingly, they come across as othering, shallow pseudoscience. Why would a "comprehensive guide" tell us to "run away" from people as a first action? What's the basis for this apparently objective measurement, which encourages us to make judgements based on single moments rather than seeking to understand one another

  32. It might be more of a complicated sliding scale for each person.

    The video is right. Life is difficult. There are things and behaviors people either have the ability to change and a lot of the time with trauma? Seems to perpetuate in the self. Or with future relationships. Trying to handle those difficult problems in yourself and with other people can be exhausting and an immature emotional response may be some people's reaction to stimuli they find threatening or rude.

    If I went on a date with someone I only met recently and they started asking me about my childhood regrets? I might get a little immature myself.

  33. lol wow I'm surprised I didn't share any of the traits represented in this video , I've always questioned my emotional maturity .

  34. Anyone else here who are, instead of watching these "how to spot a (insert negatively perceived psychological trait here) person" to assess other people, reflecting on each symptoms in hope that you turn out to not be that bad?

  35. Ok ?some people don’t remember much about their childhood due to legitimate trauma. People block out years as a defense mechanism say if they were raped or sexually abused as a child. Most of this is accurate. That part deviated from realistic.

  36. My entire company -3 people of the last 1.5 years…. I tried to help them grow out of it…. I should have given them a very wide birth much earlier on. It took so much out of me

  37. I know someone who would tick all the boxes for emtional maturity, but to have an understanding, and to live it in reality are two different things. People (myself included) may say certain things, and behave completly opposite when time comes. Emotional maturity is to be learned and practiced continiously. If we pretend I guess we make a fool of ourselves only in long run. It might boil down all togather to awareness and how much we want to confront accept and work on ourselves.

  38. What about those who over analyze everything. Is that a form of emotional immaturity as well? Shit, I'm doing it again….

  39. I wonder if some people who don't remember much about their childhoods have been traumatized and have repressed bad memories.

  40. Please allow to share your content on IG story! Your content is so easily consumed, I would love to be able to share on that platform and engage people on these topics. Looking forward to it.

  41. We are all immature in some form,childish pranking,jokes,rants ,etc. who determines who is immature, the person or the person saying it.

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