Alone on VALENTINE’S DAY! | Sanders Sides


Roses are red, Violets are blue. Sun flowers are yellow. Tulips go in all sorts of colours, so do Roses. I really like flowers. Daffodils are also yellow. What is up everybody?! It’s that time of year again: Valentine’s day. Do you have a date? I don’t, and I don’t know where I’m going to get one, approaching people is difficult. That’s an understatement. Oh! Anxiety… Perfect, that settles it; I’m not gonna approach anyone this year. Now, don’t say that! It’s still possible. Morality, don’t lie to him. Yeah, meeting people is hard. Doesn’t have to be. Logic is right. Wow, my fanciful side is agreeing with my logical side. Thomas, in this instance, pragmatism and optimism aren’t necessarily contradictory. I know big words too! Saxophone… Okay, so you guys think there is a way to not spend my Valentine’s day alone? Oh yeah! How? We just need to go about it the right way! Let’s put our heads together, and create a game plan. First, we’ll need someone to practice on… But who? Each other? No, no! How about we… use… my friend! Valerie! Valerie? *ping* Valerie. Hey! Hey! Salutations. So, explain to me how you would go about securing a date with Valerie for Valentine’s day. I’ve got an idea: Don’t! Don’t even try. Now, Anxiety, if you don’t wanna participate, you can just sit this one out. That’s… not exactly how I work… *ping* Now! I know we are all about to get into some big confusing discussion, but there is no need to overcomplicate things. I have the solution! The trick to getting a date is to just be completely upfront and honest, alright? Hello. Hello! We are humans… Yes! As humans one possible objective is to procreate… Yes. Therefore, would you like to copulate with me? Yes! There, done. Wow! …. That’s not how people work! You had no tact whatsoever. Fine. Hello! Do you like food? Yes! Do you like romantic outings? Yes. I can provide both of those things, Therefore, you would be my date. Yes. Happy? Seriously? Yes! And then you continue to… talk-talk-talk until eventual marriage and/or copulation. That’s the process. Yeah, if your life is a Sims game. That’s ridiculous This is what it would be like if your life is a Sims game: *Both talk in Simmish* Stop it. Stop! If you went about tryin’ get a date that way, it would look like this: Hello, do you like food? Yeah… Do you like romantic outings? I mean, sometimes…? I can provide both of those things, Therefore, you would be my date (Stuttering) … I’m.. I’m uh… go. Just saying. Yeah… Your problem is you didn’t woo her with any gusto. You know what people like? Bagels! ..No, what? Maybe. Um… Poetry! Poetry? Allow me to recite Shakespeare’s sonnet 138. “When my love swears to me that she is (Moral Side sighs) made of truth I do believe her, though I know she lies That she might think me some untutor’d youth…” Gonna stop you right there. That sonnet is about an older man and an unfaithful girl, lying to preserve their relationship. Oh. Yeah… So… um, might I reccomend Shakespeare’s sonnet 18? “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?..” I mean, I wouldn’t recommend reading someone else’s words. You need to say what’s in your heart! *chuckles* Come on, if you do that, you could get all tongue tied… Jumbled… Confused. *ping* Well, then you write it all before hand in a letter *laughs* “Dear Valerie, Happy “Valerintine’s day” … wow, that didn’t come off quite as well as I would’ve liked it to. Maybe not one of my best jokes. Um, well, er…” *continues reading* He wrote this down? “… but I would like to ask… Hmm, how do I put this? I would like to speak from the heart, but hearts don’t have mouths… Well, that was a little weird to say…” *continues reading* This was the whole problem, he was trying to circumnavigate. “…Hum. Wow, uh, is it hot in here? It’s a little hot in here to me… I’m getting a little bit sweaty…” Okay! I think that was… That was a bit of a failed experiment. Fine! No words. No. No! What if that were a stranger? You can’t just touch people. Okay! Then you create a gift to give them! A drawing! Here you go. But that could be just taken as a gift from a friend. Wow! Thanks! Or worse… Wow, this is horrible. I never realized how stupid and untalented you are. *laughing* Well, I’m hopelessly crushed. Yeah, wow… Look, the main point I wanted to get is that you should try to make them feel special! Don’t talk about yourself so much and make sure they feel heard. Not talk about me… 🙁 But then, why would they buy what you are telling if they don’t know anything about you? Agreed! There is a way to simultaneously make them feel special, AND show them how awesome you are! How? You find out what might be making their life difficult. Yeah? And you kill it. What. *”ping” sound* You there! Young maiden, what is burdening your life? Perhaps an evil step mother? Or a dragon witch? A dragon witch? Yes! This dragon witch has been ruining my life! F*ck you, Valerie. I SHALL SAVE YOU! Is that a samurai sword? *angry yell* *sword sounds and groans* Ahh, my spleen! All saved! You made me feel special! And you are awesome! What can I say? I’m a mean spleen stabbin machine. *whispering* In no reality would this be a situation. And afterwards you do a grand gesture! That wasn’t a grand gesture? You wed them! Will you marry me? Yes! *gasps* (spanish) Ay, I have waited for you so long, Tomás… Do you really love me? (Also spanish) I assure you, I love you with all my heart. *sighing* Ay! How do you know Spanish?! I don’t even know spanish, Look, this is what you gotta do. There is no way he could do any of that! Besides, weddings are nothing but outdated, expensive pageantry. What?! Plus, the diamond industry is incredibly unethical. What?! Sure! Have you heard of “blood diamonds”? Okay, stop. Don’t… You are upsetting him. So we are at a loss for what to do… There’s gotta be something we haven’t thought about! I’m feeling all types of bad *growls* This whole thing is pointless! Yes! We already know your point of view. Look, all I’m saying is this just a waste of time! Psyching yourself out over cheap tactics that have never been useful to you before, I mean, seriously, Thomas! In any past relationship you’ve ever been in, haven’t they always developed when you least expected them to? Huh. You actually… have a point. You were never actively searching for someone. You met someone, got to know them casually, and then the feelings started there! The romance came about naturally. I wasn’t trying to… help. No, this is great! It really helps to put things into perspective! I shouldn’t be trying to force things to happen just for some… day. That’s probably the best thing to keep in min-… *ping* Morality, can you… leave Valerie alone for one second? Ugh *growls* And if I happen to meet someone, I really don’t have anything to loose. I’ll be upfront and honest, I’ll speak from the heart, and make them feel heard. And when the time is right, I can work in some grand, realistic, romantic gestures. Yeah, okay. Even if it doesn’t work out! Isn’t Valentine’s day about much more than just romantic love? Well, there is love for your family. Love for your work. Low-stake platonic love, where people don’t expect as much from you. And self-love! And if that’s what we need to focus on for valentine’s day Valerie! The Valerie who is my amazing friend, and not a hypothetical stranger Valerie. I would like to express my platonic, friend love for you with a nice hug, yeah? Yeah! Aw! And as for self love; you guys, the different aspects of my personality, I suggest you all say “I love you” to each other. I love you all so much! I love you… If I could give you all butterfly kisses, do you know what those are? With the eyelashes? I love you and… You make my life complete. Your existence is inconsequencial… I mean, unimportant… I mean, good. What can I say? You are all so handsome. Well, that does make sense. Just not as handsome as me. That does not make sense. Well, you two have glasses, you know? Like, nerds! *smirks* What are you laughing at, Hot Topic? Aw, you think I’m hot. Princey, tell us you love us. Now. *sighs* I love you. I don’t know how you expect me to say it. You all took turns, you are all looking at me… Come on! Can it just be like, an understood thing? *gasps* You are implying that you love us! No… Loo! His face is so red behind that white foundation. I hate everything about this. Well, this was adorable! It was! Call me when you have something a little less feelings-y. Will do. I’m gotta go burry that dragon witch body. Okay, you do that. And for all of you, whether you are spending Valentine’s day with a romantic partner, friends, or alone, take the day to celebrate love in all its wonderful forms. And until next time, take it easy guys, gals and non-binary pals! Peace out! Honestly, my way would’ve totally worked, you guys. Totally would not have. You think you can do better? Better than that! Well, then you get a chance! *ping* Fine. First, you take her by the hand. Then you… Oh my (*Anxiety groans*) GOD! (background screams) Nice one! What I do?

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