Being Ian: Blah Blah Blog – Ep.55

Being Ian: Blah Blah Blog – Ep.55


♪ (grunge rock/shouted vocal) Lights! Camera! Action!Being Ian! ♪Anything is possible … ♪Just give it your best shot!Being Ian! ♪ ♪(Surfer guitar) ♪ Why can’t the world just..see things my way!! ♪(guitar solo) ♪Being Ian … ♪All the world’s
a movie scene ♪You’ve got the leading roleBeing Ian — Your life
can be a masterpiece ♪So get on with the show ♪ ♪♪♪ ♪Being Ian .. ♪A million moving pictures ♪spinning ’round
inside my brain ♪Why can’t the world ♪just see things my way!!! ♪ (electronic beeps) Greetings programs. The winner of this
final challenge will take my place as operating
system of the compu-realm! The loser will receive this complimentary
set of steak knives. And will also be destroyed! End of line. I’m gonna win this race! You have fatal error written
all over your code program. You’ll need to
reformat your disc when my bike is through
with you, conscript! (whoosh) Greeble: Ha ha ha ha! Looks like you have
some bugs in your code! Surrender, and I will
delete you gently. Why don’t you
delete your face? What version is
your software? Zero point zero? Ha! You missed me! Oh, yeah? Look around. (gasp) Greeble: You and your pretty
pink bicycle are trapped! It’s not pink, it’s
bubble-gum coloured! (laugh) Uh oh. Have lost control. I’m about to crash! Control-Alt-Delete!
Control-Alt-Delete! (zap) Huh? ♪ Da da da da da ! Sorry, Ian. I think that the kind
of virtual reality stuff you’re asking for is a
little too complex, even for my
programming skills. Aw, that’s too bad,
because my website – www.beingian.com needs some pizzazz. Some sparkle. I could set up a
blog for you. Great! So, you’ll help me? Of course I’ll help you,
Ian. Because I like you. Aw, thanks, Grace.
I like you, too. It’s almost closing time,
and not a single customer. (sigh) Say there! Welcome to Kelley’s
Spa and Keyboards! I’m here for my massage. Well, then, uh, let
me introduce you to our new line of soothing
portable massaging keyboards. Heh heh. (clamouring) Mr. Patterson, there you are. Right this way, please. What have I told you about
trying to force keyboards onto the customers? I had to try something. We haven’t sold an
instrument for days. Can we talk later? We’ve got six
massages booked and we’re already
behind schedule. Well, there may
not be a later! We’re on the brink
of financial ruin! (phone rings) Kelley’s Spa and Keyboards. I’m sorry, but the
spa is fully booked for the next three months. Am I the only person who cares about this family’s
financial well-being? Odbald, the register
is full again! (vacuum motor) If we’re not selling any
pianos,
we’re not making any money. Odbald, what have I told
you about triple-booking the pedicure clients! And we’re out of lotion! Agh! Odbald, go out and buy
as much as you can find. Oh, we’re just too busy! Busy goin’ outta business! Don’t worry, dear. I’ll save us. Save us from what? Financial ruin! And – and I know how, too! I’ll hold a fund-raiser,
like a dinner, or a silent auction,
or a jog-a-thon! Yeah! The First Annual Kelley’s
Spa and Keyboards Jog-a-thon! That is the silliest
thing I’ve ever heard. Silly like a fox! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have
a charitable event to arrange. If you’re going out, get
lotion! (Ian) Hurry, Grace. Hurry! Finish setting up my blog. The world needs to know
what I think and feel about stuff and junk! Grace: Finished! Great! Time to write! Wait. What should
I write about? What should I
tell the world? Tell them anything you want. Your favourite movie. Or some girl you like. I’ve got it! Uh, do you mind? Oh, yes. Well, I’ll leave you to it. Bye, Ian. Yeah, bye. Ohhhh. Hmmph. Did you read my
blog last night? Heh heh. Well, what did you think? I skimmed it. I kind of fell asleep
halfway through it. But you liked what
you saw, right? Right? Ian, your blog was boring! And kind of boastful. Thank you, Ty. That wasn’t a compliment. Why are you even
bothering with a blog? Between your movies,
and your imagination and your line of
action figures… Don’t open that. It’s a collector’s item. Everybody already
knows all about you. Are you suggesting
that I surrender? Because I don’t know the
meaning
of the word surrender. Or the word boastful. Ohhhh. Ian: I’ve got to do somethin to make my blog more
popular, but what? Maybe I should
hold a contest. Win a date with
Ian Kelley. I’d enter that! Sorry, Grace. Employees aren’t
eligible to enter. Mmmm. Maybe I should
fake a scandal? Ian, a blog isn’t
like a movie. It’s a raw and candid
window into your heart. So I should add more gore? Let me do it. Kyle: Dude! Level 25! Korey: No one’s ever
got this far before! Uhhh, Grace? I’m just going to step
out for a second, OK? (grunts) Ian, I’m done. Great! Thanks! Don’t you want to read it? I’m a little
busy right now. Oh, OK. Well, make sure you read
it tonight before you post it. I will! Bye! Oh and Grace? Thanks! It was nothing. (yawn) Now, I just have to read my
blog Grace wrote for me and… and … (snoring) (beeps) Ah! Ian! What are you doing? I never knew that behind
your acerbic, crusty exterior was a frightened little child, desperately pining for
acceptance from his friends. We love you, man. Are you all nuts? Wait. You don’t know what
we’re talking about, do you? Hey, that’s my– Blog. Maybe you should read it. All right. “I’m feeling a little
blue right now. My brothers are upstairs
playing video games, and all I can think about
is how lonely I am. Why do I always have to
feel like I’m on therr ou” Grace! Hello, Ian. How could you do this to me? Now everyone thinks
I have emotions and junk! This isn’t me! It’s the Ian I know. Sensitive,
compassionate, giving. Sandi: Ian, can I talk
to you for a second? I don’t think you should let
Grace write your blog anymore because I think Grace likes
you. Who’s “Hugh?” Not “Hugh” – You! Who’s “Hugh Yue?” Is he in our Science Class? Agh! Just tell her she’s never
writing your blog again! Done and done. Grace. Hey Ian. I read your blog. It was cool. I’m having a party at my
house this weekend and you’re invited. (gasp) Wow. Reace Van Rogers, the
coolest kid in school, just invited Ian
to his party! What were you going
to say to me, Ian? Um, can you come
over after school and write more of
my blog for me? Aghggh! The fans love us. Now we’ve got to
keep ’em happy. They seemed to really connect with the emotional
part of the blog. Maybe if we do something
on my love of pizza, the lunch ladies will
serve pizza tomorrow. Or you could write about
someone that you have… special feelings for. Oh, I couldn’t do that. That’s too personal
and weird and stuff. Strip away the walls and
reveal your true self, Ian. Share with me –
uh, and the world. Here, I’ll get you started. “I’m kind of low right now. There’s someone that
I care about, but I don’t know
how she feels.” Oh! Add something like this: “I see her all the time, but I don’t know if she
even knows I’m alive.” Now all I need is her name. Oh, I don’t know. Just her initials,
then. All right? All right. G. L. Aaaahhhh. Are you OK? I’m perfect. Whew. That’s good. I was worried you were
about to pass out before we posted this
latest blog. Grace: There. Now the
whole world knows. Awesome! Thanks Grace. Wish there was some
way I could repay you. Are you having dinner soon? Dinner? Why thank you, Ian. I’d love to join
you for dinner. (noisy eating) Everything is
delicious, Mrs. Kelley. Especially the
Tofu Wheat Loaf. Oh ho! Well, aren’t you sweet? It’s so nice to have
another girl to talk to. Sometimes it’s hard
being the only woman in a house full of men. What? I SAID sometimes it’s hard
being the only woman IN A HOUSE FULL of men! Finished! Ian, dinner isn’t a race. Are you kidding? You know what happens if
you stop eating around here? Someone tries to
steal your food. Thank you, Ian. You’re so gallant. Oh, yes, Ian. You’re so gallant. Kyle! You’re my knight
in shining armour. Korey! Ian’s got a girlfriend!
Ian’s got a girlfriend! KEN! Sorry Vic. Got caught up in the moment. Mmmm. I had a lot of
fun tonight, Ian. And it was nice meeting
your whole family. (kissing noises) Yeah. right. Oh, all right. Let’s give Ian and his
special friend some privacy. Ha ha! (shudder) So … I guess
this is good-night? Yup. Later gator. Later gator. Ahhh. The First Annual Kelley’s
Keyboards And Spa Charity Jog-a-thon? It’s brilliant! We get people to jog and
raise money for the store. I still think this
is a bad idea. The spa makes enough money
to keep both businesses open. Poor, sweet Vicky. Trapped on a raft of denial on
an ocean of impending doom. Don’t worry, dear. I’ll save you. I’ll save us all. Aw, I give up. What are you holding a
charity fund-raiser for? A very worthy cause. Oh! “Save The Spotted Slug?” Say, that’s a great cause! Wanna jog and
raise some money? What are you
raising money for? Something very dear to me. “People for The Ethical
Treatment of Cabbages?” Now THAT is a good cause. Gah! Is this for “Nose-Hair
Clippers for the Needy?” Golly, that is a
wonderful charity! (whispering) Ian, your crush is the
talk of the school. Everyone wants
to know who G.L. is. I know. So, uh … who is G.L.? Well, that’s a secret
between me and G.L. But I’m your best friend! (bell rings) Ian! I read your blog. Is G.L. Ginger Lomack? No. Gloria Long? No. Gladys Lopshotz? No. Ginger Lomack? You already
said that name. Darn you, Ian Kelley! Who could G.L possibly be? (giggle) (gasp) Ian, I’m gonna ask
you a question, and I want you to
tell me the truth. Is G.L. Grace Lum? Sorry, Sandi. You’ll have to wait
like everyone else. All I’m saying is that
Grace thinks she’s the G.L you’re writing
about in your blog. And if she isn’t, you’re
gonna break her heart. I’m not following you. She likes you. And I like Grace. She’s a bud,
pal, chum, amigo. So Grace isn’t G.L.? You’ll find out tonight. We’re doing a special
live event on my blog. And I promise, you
won’t be disappointed. I know someone who will be. Ian, your special
friend Grace is here! Hi, Ian. (giggle) Ohh. Why are you
all dressed up? A night this special deserves
to be treated specially. OH HO K! Anyway, we’ve got to have
this blog posted by 7 p.m.
so… Start with the emotional junk. Butterflies in the
stomach kinda stuff. No. Mushier. Like this: “My heart is
bursting with anticipation. I’m afraid I’ll die
without her ever knowing how I feel.” You must really
care about G.L. Oh, yeah. She’s the first person I
want to see in the morning and the last person I
want to see at night. Keep typing. “I am now ready to
reveal G.L.’s identity. Which I will reveal as soon
as I finish this sentence, the sentence that I
am about to end now. And G.L. is …. G.R.A.C.E.L.U.” (slurp) Whew! Wow, who knew
spelling a name would make my throat
feel so parched? Ian, finish the name! (slurp) You want some water? You must be thirsty
from all that typing. The name! Oh, right. Where was I? G.R.A.C.E.L.U. N.D.O.N. Oh ho ho! Hee hee! Wait a minute. Who’s Grace Lundon? Only the best
actress in the world! Star of “Sand on the Dune” I’ve got every movie
she’s ever made. I even have her monogrammed
director’s chair. Hey, you and Grace Lundon
have the same initials. Isn’t that funny? Ha ha ha ha. (groan) (slam) That isn’t funny? Pssssst. Grace. Grace! Ha ha ha ha. Could you give
that to Grace? I’ll do better than that. I’ll read it for
the whole class. Maybe it’ll be more interesting
than your last blog entry. “Dear Grace, I’m
sorry if I upset you. I didn’t know you
liked me that way.” (laughter) No, wait! It’s not supposed
to sound like that! It’s supposed to
sound sincere! Hmph. “I like you, too,
but as a friend.” Don’t listen to him! It’s supposed to
sound like this: “Dear Grace, I’m sorry
if I upset you. I didn’t know you
liked me that way.” (laughter) Don’t laugh! I’m trying to apologize
to Grace for breaking her
heart! (laughter) Being embarrassed in
private is one thing, but being embarrassed
in public? That makes me angry. And when I’m angry and
embarrassed, I will have my revenge! So was she talking
to me or Mr. Greeble? Welcome folks! These brave joggers are going
to run all day for charity. So be sure to dig deep and
give these brave runners the moral support
they need! It feels so good to know
that all the money we raise will go to saving
the spotted slug. Spotted slug? We’re not raising money
for the spotted slug. What? Well, then what charity
are we all jogging for? Ken: It’s up there
on the banner. The first annual
Kelley’s Keyboards AndrrSp? Wait. We’re running to raise
money for your… for your spa and
keyboard store? Um. Wasn’t I clear? This thing is a scam! Get him! Aaahhh! (shouts and whistles) Grace has got it
in for you, E. Do you really think you
should be out in public? This is Grace we’re
talking about. She never holds a grudge. Oh, boy! Pizza! My favourite. This isn’t pizza. “Dear cafeteria staff. My son, Ian has allergies. Please do not feed
him any food with cheese, tomato
sauce or pepperoni. Sincerely, Ian’s mom?” My mom didn’t write this! Grrrrr. (giggle) Congratulations. You’ve had your revenge. I hope you’re happy. You think that’s my revenge? Hee hee hee. I’m just getting started. Imagine the absolute worst
thing in the world that you can think of. OK. Yeah, that’s pretty bad. Now imagine something
one million times worse. (gulp) My revenge will be a
million times worse THAN THAT! Aaaaaahhhhh! Wow. She’s really mad. I wish there was something
we could do to help. Desperate times call
for desperate measures. And I’ve never been
this desperate, so… Excuse me. Dad, I need some advice. I made Grace mad, and
now she’s going to systematically
destroy my life. Um, can we talk about
this later, son? I’ve got a bunch of angry
volunteers on my tail. Why are they mad at you? Oh, it’s all a silly
misunderstanding! They thought we were raising
money for other charities. Actually, when you think
about it, it’s kind of funny! No it isn’t! I said I was sorry! Dad, if I’ve learned
anything today, it’s that sometimes an
apology isn’t enough. Sometimes you have to
find a way to make amends. Hmm. That’s
what I have to do! Thanks, Dad. There. All I have to do
is press return and Ian Kelley’s life
will be ruined forever! (cackling) Oh, boy! E-mail! “Dear Grace, please
read my blog before you ruin my life
any more. Thanks. Ian.” Fine. I’ll read your blog. And then I’ll
ruin your life! Forever! “Dear Grace, first I
hurt your feelings, and then I embarrassed you. I know an apology
isn’t good enough. So, to make it up to you, I’m gonna list every
embarrassing thingrr “Once, I accidentally
called Mr. Greeble “Mom.” (laughter) “I did an entire Science
class presentation on salt with my fly undone.” Hey, some kid named
Ian is listing his most embarrassing
moments online to save his friendship. “Then there’s the time I
walked

into the girl’s washroom by ♪ (piano) You know? This Ian kid has
taught me a valuable lesson. For we assumed Ken was
trying to rip us off, but maybe, just maybe, this
is a simple misunderstanding. And the beautiful piano
music really added to the emotional intensity
of your speech. That’s why I started this
charity for my store; to save the music. Yeah. Save the music, man! Save the music! (agreements all around) I’m sorry about our
misunderstanding. You can keep all the
money you raised for your own
favourite charities! And free massages
for everyone! (cheers) And new or used keyboards at
reasonable prices for everyone! (dead silence) Can we go get
our massages now? “And that’s every embarrassin
thing I’ve ever done. I hope you can find it in
your heart to forgive me. Your friend, Ian. I hope. Definitely. Oh! You were going
to post that? Yeah. Don’t worry. No one will ever see it. Buy me a smoothie? Sure thing, pal. (buzz) (beep) ♪ (dramatic) captions by
sassonique

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