[Love Will Have Its Sacrifices opening theme] Look, I may not know what you’ve got up your sleeve- but are you sure you want to do this? There are a lot of things out there worse than Mattie. Gee, Carm. Thanks for the input. But since you don’t want to play the hero, maybe you should just butt out as we save ourselves. [Super official SNN pre-debate theme] Good evening. And welcome to the SNN coverage of the Board of Governors debate. Facing off today are our Board Chair, Matska Belmonde, a centuries-old, nigh-unkillable vampire, and honorary Board Member, Cornelius Hans Albrecht, Lugenbaron von Vordenberg. We will start with questions from the students, and then move onto the closing arguments, followed by a vote by the board on the winner. As decided by a coin toss, we will start with a question to you, Ms. Belmonde. How do you respond to the accusations that you intend to sell off a large portion of the student body’s bodies? Darling, while your histrionics are always amusing, the plan is to have Corvae catalogue and evacuate students. Removing their livers would depreciate their market value. Baron Vordenberg? A rebuttal? You will pardon me, madam, but that is an outright lie. What of the infamous section twenty-three of the Silas Charter? Why, I haven’t encountered such perfidy since my battle of wits with the infamous Contesse de la Motte- Vordie- you know I lived through the stuff you’re lying about, right? Besides, if you and Big Red were capable of paying attention, you’d know we invoked the charter to deal with the Deep One. The Anglerfish. We can’t just leave it wedged into that cavern like an Apocalypse waiting to happen. I know Mother wanted it sold to Corvae, but she’s dead, and lately I’ve been thinking maybe it’s best we just collapse the whole campus and bury it alive. It’s impolite to evacuate the livestock before that. But- that’s EVIL. No. That’s pragmatic. Well maybe you aren’t planning on stealing all of our livers now but sooner or later it’s going to be all freeze rays and massacres and the drama faculty tied to the railroad tracks. Even if that was remotely accurate, what are you going to do about it? This. See, those kids that you murdered at the Voice of Silas- Are you still on about that? Turns out they were keeping really thorough files on you. So I just emailed the rest of the Board your contract as a consultant for the Corvae. And if the ten percent kickbacks you’re getting from all these sales doesn’t make them reconsider, then maybe the personal files you’re keeping on them- you know- the ones detailing exactly how to kill them- will make them change their minds. Where the hell did you get those? Not the issue right now. The issue right now, is I think we can skip the closing arguments and go straight to the vote. Danny? She’s out. Vordenberg’s in. Oh, I’m terribly sorry Ms. Belmonde, but if history teaches us anything- [Danny’s totally spontaneous “shut-up” cough] Ah, ya, ya. Impeachment. Overthrow. Exile. And of course I will reluctantly accept the Board’s nomination. The Owl Woman: The rook falls to the bishop. Hasturmenchen: Verräterischen Hündin. You’re making a terrible mistake. No. You did. When you thought you could come to this University, and just take over. You may have killed those kids at the newspaper, but they still figured out what you were up to- Well, that is just- neat. -And now you’re done. I bet it’s going to be pretty upsetting for the folks at home when I pull you apart like a kid with a Barbie. Mattie, no! Are you seriously not done with this gnat? She’s a stupid, callow girl, and she’s going to get us all killed. [Mattie lets loose an angry pterodactyl scream] “I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!” Right. Ahh… Without further ado, Silas University, your new Board chair: Mister Cornelius von Albrecht, Lugenbaron von
Vordenberg! Cue the music!! [The most bad ass, post-debate, celebratory dub step anyone has ever heard] Is he going to- ? -give a speech? Oh god, no. I am, deeply touched by your show of support and faith- I have never- not even when the Deer-Men of the great forests made me one of their brothers- felt so called to aid and succour a community. I shall lead you, and Silas, to greatness- to the shining, glorious future it has always deserved! Wow, that was actually kind of- And for my first act as reigning Board Chair, I hereby order the immediate detainment of all individuals known or suspected to be vampires! Oh crap. See that subscribe button? You should click it.
[Love Will Have Its Sacrifices ending theme]