Internet Comment Etiquette: HALLOWEEN ELECTION SPECIAL


Hello, and welcome to a very spooky Internet Comment Ettiquette. This is my Halloween election special, and I’ll tell ya, fevers are running very high. Almost as high as my fever, because I’m very sick right now. As you can probably see and, uh, hear I’m-I’m like, sick. So, I’m sure there’s a Hillary Clinton joke in there somewhere but I just don’t have the stamina to find it. Anyway, now, uh, no one’s more excited for this horrible election to be over than me With its nonsense and all of its terribleness taking over everything that I’m seeing and hearing and talking about and whatever. Uh, it just-it’s over now, so celebrate with me today as we kiss everything goodbye. Unless, uh, Trump of course wins in which case I’ll have enough material to do another four years on my new YouTube channel called TRUMP FACTS! [GOOFY VOICE] Trump Facts! Did you know that Donald Trump had bone spurs? TRUMP FACTS! [ERIK] Ha! I made a whole bunch of these, look! [GOOFY] Trump Facts! Donald Strump eat pizza with a fork! Ooooooooh, he also murders prostitutes! [ERIK] Oop, that one’s gonna get me sued. [EPIC VOICE] Have you been sued by Donald Trump? Check out the salviaerik.com store where you can proudly proclaim your membership in the “I got sued by Donald Trump” club. These are selling like lofts in a newly-gentrified neighborhood so pick yours up today before they’re all gone. Just like our COUNTRY! Alright, well let’s kick off this Halloween election special with a ghoulish visit to my favorite scary website: younow.com [YOUNOW #1] “This election got me so scared I slapped my dog in the nuts.” [LAUGHTER] Huh, he didn’t seem scared at all. Next. [YOUNOW #2] A song about the election? [SINGING] Vote for Hillary- [ROBOT] Boooooooooo! This song sucks! Choose Hillary- For love- All my love, adore you- [YOUNOW #3] “Can you freestyle rap about Hillary should go to pri- prison?” HAAAAAAA! Hehehe! Yeah, good stuff. [YOUNOW #4] “Yo man how about the scary election?” Duuuuuude, it’s so fuckin’ scary, man! You put your dog through a window? [YOUNOW #5] “I hate this election so much I turn the lights off-” [LAUGHING] “-by throwing my cat at the light switch!” [LAUGHTER] Eeeeey! Okay, he wasn’t that scared. He wasn’t that scared. [YOUNOW #6] “No way this dude has a Git R Done Confederate flag and guns around it.” Yes I do! Git r done! Do you know who Jill Steins is? [GIRL ON CAM] No. [#6] I don’t either, like, who the hell is he talking about? [BOTH] Oh! Oh! [#6} I have a Confederate knife too. [ERIK] Yes, yes, let the fear run through you. But my job’s not done until everyone is scared, and it seems like everyone right now is playing that new Battlefield 1 game. So why don’t we jump in there and spook them with some ghoulish tales of political woe? [BF1 TEAMMATE] It’s fuckin’ World War I and there’s not a single map that features trenches. Yeah, hey, speaking of trenches, Hillary’s really in the trenches right now with this election, huh? [BF1] Jesus bro, come on. Lay off the election shit. I’m with her. [BF1} I don’t really give a shit. You can be with, fuckin’, I don’t know, deez nuts, and I wouldn’t care. Just keep it to yourself. Heyo, eyo, everybody vote for Hillary. [BF1] DUDE. I’m about to mute you, bro. I’m about to mute you, I swear to god. Well, if he hates that, he’s gonna really hate my user icon and apparently I’m one of the best players in the game, so everybody gets to see it. [BF1] “I’m With Her?” Aah, I didn’t want to put a spotlight on it. [BF1] Yeah, sure you didn’t. “I didn’t want to put a spotlight on it,” bullshit. You can go eat a dick. [ERIK] Hey, does it team kill you if I fly a plane into you? No. No, it doesn’t. That sucks. Real fun game. Great community. But the frights must go on. Hey robot! Yes? What’s your favorite website? Oh, that is easy. It is Chatroulette. Well, lucky for you I recorded myself on Chatroulette earlier today putting some chills down the spines of unsuspecting webcam people. [DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER, FOLLOWED BY ALCHOHOLISM] Play. Whaddya doin’ down there? Hey kiddo, vote for Hillary! Hey, vote for Hi- whooaaa, what the hell’s going on here? Hey buddy, vote for Hil- what are you doing? Hey, vote for Hillary! Hey, vote for- OH SHIT! Ooooh, dude! Hey there, vote for Hila- oh no! Whohoho no! No no no! Hey there, vote for Hillary. Oh my god! Heeeeey, vote for Hillary! [OTHER GUY] Oh yeah? You can’t like, uh There’s no, much a reaction here, like you can’t troll me, ’cause like, this is the internet, I’ve seen other things- [ERIK] I had a dog once. [DOG WHINES] [GUY] I mean to, can’t- ugh. [ERIK] Would you like to see a picture of it? [GUY] Shut the fuck up. [ERIK] Would you like to see a picture of my dog? WHAT’S YOUR NAME, BOY? [GUY] I’m going to end your entertainment with coffee- [ERIK] What’s that haircut called? Heyooooo! Uh-oooooooh! Wow, I could grate cheese on those abs! BOO! Do those nips come off, or- I’m a pretty girl. Vote for Hillary. Aw yeah, I spooked ’em good! Robot, what did you think of that? You didn’t scare anyone! You just sounded like a blue pill faggot! I don’t know what that means, and I’m going to hit you with a shoe. Oh come on- OW OW MY FACE! You knocked my face off! YOU TOOK MY FACE OFF! Alright, now I’m sure some of you have been driven to the brink of insanity by the selection on one website in particular. Facebook! Let’s just log in to my favorite Facebook account, NudeCelebs4Free, and- oooh, goddammit, it got shut down. There’s no way I’m going to prove my name is Nude Celebz, so, guess we’ll have to do this on my Internet Comment Etiquette Facebook account, and- Aw come on, this one too? Well, luckily I don’t give a fuck about Facebook because it’s stupid, but I am going to have to create a new account for this. Let’s just say it’s for a hypothetical man named, uh, Nips Comeoff. And let’s set up this, get some nips in there, and hit it with a description, and “yes the nips do come off,” and there we go, now create a page and name the page “Pictures of Nipples that Come Off,” and create! Great, we got our new official Internet Comment Etiquette Facebook page! Pictures of Nipples that Come Off. Why was I on Facebook again? Oh right, Jill Stein. Chances are, you don’t know who this is, and neither do I, so let’s see what she’s all about. Alright, she’s running for president, so I guess she belongs in this video, but it’s probably still a waste of my time. Here she is with Aragorn! [ERIK IMITATING VIGGO] Hello, I am Aragorn. Will you help take me to the city of the Uruk-Hai? Alright, fun stuff. Well she’s actually also got a YouTube channel so maybe we can learn something about her there. [JILL STEIN] The answer to Donald Trump is a revolutionary agenda A green new deal will create 20 million jobs, halt climate change, and make wars for oil obsolete. It’s time to reject the lesser evil, and fight for the greater good like our lives depend on it, because they do. Oh wow, that actually sounds great! I think I get it now. Jill Stein is like a Democrat, but the kind that doesn’t win. Soooo, here’s my comment. Hey, clue who you are but you got my vote! All I needed to hear was like five things that I agree with and bam, you got it girl. I don’t really have time to keep up with politics because I’m basically floating from one desert music festival to another, and all my time in between is spent finding new ways to incorporate fishnets and goggles into my various party costumes. Jill, you strike me as the type of woman who doesn’t take any guff and stands up for what she believes in. I know I keep telling my friends that I just don’t trust politicians and that’s why I don’t vote, but this politician seems cool to me. No point in looking back to see if I was wrong about those other politicians, I’m just going to go whole hog on Jill Stein. Jill Stein 2016: “I’m just gonna tell people I voted for Hillary in a week.” Feel free to use that slogan the same way big government’s been using us as target practice for their Wi-Fi death rays. Keep it crystal and don’t drink tap water. And post! There’s also this Gary Johnson guy, who’s got probably the worst nickname I’ve ever heard in my life. Almost painfully honest. I think of him as Honest Johnson, and he would never, ever, ever tell something to the voters that he didn’t think was true. [ERIK] Hey, this Gary Johnson guy’s pretty cool, huh? Whoa, watch out behind you! Hey you talk funny but you’re old as shit so you probably know more than me. Then again, I know where Aleppo is and I can actually name at least one foreign head of state, but good on you for admitting when you’re wrong. There’s just not enough of that In this election cycle. You’ve got my vote all day even though I’m not actually gonna vote because I can already tell I’m not gonna feel like it. I’ll probably lie and say I mailed in my ballot when friends ask but in all honesty I just don’t give a shit. I already did my part back when Bernie Sanders was running by giving him a bunch of Reddit upvotes Those count, right? I can’t believe the first time I ever got interested in politics, the guy I like loses so good luck getting me on board for anything ever again. Trump and Hillary are the same person, I can talk to dogs, and what the hell does fiscal conservative mean? And post! Also running for president this year is some stupid lying bitch named Hillary Clinton Now after some intense research I’ve come to the conclusion that people get extremely pissed off when you bring up the fact that you’re voting for her, so let’s just do a whole bunch of that. Here’s JoeySalads who might possibly be the dumbest man on the internet, and here he is, uh, threatening to commit election fraud. [JOEY] On election day, I’m gonna be voting as dead people. Two times. I’m gonna go in- Back when I first saw this I hit him with that classic “hey guys vote for Hillary” and someone did not like that. “Typical brainwashed ignorant. Hillary is being exposed real hard by WikiLeaks, Project Veritas Action and Anonymous. The facts are out there, and still you people only care about the same scandals of Donald Trump aired by the bias mainstream media.” “Bounded on my boy’s dick to this for hours.” I’ll throw in my own two cents with the tried and true “Hillary 2016,” aaaaand correct that record! Hey guys I’m voting for Hillary! What do you think about that? [TEAMMATE] Doesn’t matter. It’ll be four more years of nothing getting done. Man, people really hate this woman! Oh, my bad. Okay, well I’ve been rejected from the game for correcting too many records, so I’m actually gonna go report this record correction suppression to Correct The Record on their website at correctrecord.org and whooooaaaa, what the f- fuck is going on here? This is by far the ugliest website I think I’ve ever seen. What’s up with the text over the goddamn pict- I can’t read any of this shit! Well, good thing they got a YouTube channel so I can go on there and tell them to fire that ten-year-old they let cyber this monstrosity together. [TRUMP] They don’t look like Indians to me. They don’t look like Indians to me, sir. I got no time for this shit. Straight to the comments. Hey guys just checked out your website and it looks awesome! Got some real good classic GeoCities circa 1997 vibes goin’ on there. Only thing missing is a .gif of the dancing baby from Ally McBeal and some spinning skulls thrown in for good measure. Have you thought about maybe visiting your own fucking webpage to see what it looks like? Because I’ll tell ya, it’s been this way for a long time. My favorite part is that giant corner of hair that you can tell maybe belongs to Hillary? How about you try correcting your own goddamn HTML before even touching the record because you kinda look like a bunch of goddamn idiots getting paid way too much money to basically do nothing I’m pretty sure you could have just yelled some shit at Siri and she could have published a more coherent website. It’s really difficult to defend the stupid amount of money spent on elections when garbage like this exists out there. Then again, who am I to talk? I spend all day arguing with my relatives on Facebook trying to correct their records and all I get out of it is a rapidly declining friends list and threats from people I haven’t seen since high school. If I was you I’d have given the fuck up months ago as well, so I guess let’s just pack it up and realize that in the internet age, nobody actually wants to be corrected about anything. Unless it’s me correcting you about that disgusting late term abortion of a website Alright well I can’t even vote because my dog + a bridge=felony. And post! Oh, and whaddya know, they fixed it. I’m not kidding when I say it was that way for a very, very long time and I think my first screencap of that website was from, like, September. But yeah, hey, fix it the day of the election, you know, no damage done there. Moving along, let’s check out Hillary Clinton’s YouTube channel. And I won’t waste our time too long here as the comment sections are set to private, which means you can post but it’ll just never show up. So what’s the point, when as we all know, comments are always enabled somewhere. Like on Facebook! Thank God I made that Nips Comeoff account. So here we see Hillary Clinton’s Facebook page, full of information and misinformation and some just straight up threats. “You better pray Hillary doesn’t get elected. A civil war won’t have a favorable outcome for anti-gun liberals. You’ve already made the police your enemy, and everybody knows we have the military. If we do have a civil war you better scrape that Hillary sticker off your car!” Well, I’m seeing come massive fluctuations in etiquette here. Not sure what the best way to handle this is, so… I’m just gonna wing it. Now I know what you’re thinking, do those nips come off? And yes, they do, they pop right off like little sticky back salamis. Anyway, as a Hillary supporter I sure have to put up with a lot of bullshit. All I have to do is say I’m voting for Hillary and suddenly I’ve got a gaggle of angry 14-year-olds home from their remedial classes calling me a cuck and telling me that I’m ignoring some email bullshit that I don’t think she even got in trouble for? I mean come on, the other guy grabs pussies and has a Nazi newspaper running his campaign. I would have to be the biggest fucking idiot in the goddamn world to change my mind about who I’m voting for. Look, I know she might have had a bunch of people killed, and she might be dying from a myriad of diseases, and her skin is pocked with artificial solar panels to keep her robotic legs powered, and her tongue is falling apart inside her mouth, and she practices witchcraft or whatever the fuck, but really even if all that is true, she’s still better than Trump. Because Donald Trump is a baby man in a big daddy suit, and the people voting for him would vote for a wheelbarrow as long as it had a note on it that said “I’m not Hillary.” But back to those nips, can you believe these things aren’t permanent? I would love to get some more pictures of nips that pop off. Hit my page “nipples that come off” and gimme some stuff to JO to later when I’m celebrating our Hillary victory with a big glass of baby blood. And nips! Wow, we’re really learning a lot about this election and correcting so many records along the way. But uh, there’s still one candidate left to investigate and since the FBI’s on his side, we’re gonna have to do it ourselves. Of course, I’m talking about Donald James Trump. Now we all know that Trump supporters are more easily triggered than a sixteen-year-old girl on Tumblr who who identifies as cartoon toast and I’m sure you’re all going to have some wonderful words of wisdom for me in the comments section below. And I can’t wait to do a whole video on those alone, it’s gonna be great, but until that happens we’re gonna have to deal with some of the comments that have already been left like here on the Reddit community r/thedonald. r/thedonald is your #1 destination for racist, sexist, xenophobic, conspiracy theory-touting 14-year-olds up after their bedtime shitposting about how much they love an old man who doesn’t give a flying fuck about them. Let’s see some of these geniuses at work, and if you follow me on Patreon this might look a little familiar I think it bears repeating though. South Africa was actually way better off with apartheid for both blacks and whites… to be honest. I have a load of faggots who go through my history and downvote everything haha they think internet points matter To be fair they matter more than black lives. This fucking lesbian needs to be put in a camp. Don’t you love how they blame whites for slavery yet no one bats an eye at the Arab salve trade that lasted for 1200 years and took over 100 million blacks from Africa alone? They weren’t stupid enough to give them equality afterward. I will never give a shit about dead black youth as long as their culture condones this shit. Let’s be honest: blacks see themselves as inferior, and if they didn’t they would be correcting their own communities instead of blaming the white devil. You seem to think that giving women franchise isn’t a disaster that has ultimately proven to be the ruinous turning point in the history of every country that has done it. Okay wow. Real talk, I’ve been converting Tinder pussy to Trump. And here’s one from the moderator of the official Donald Trump subreddit: In order to properly educate r/Sweden about who exactly they are letting fuck their wives and their goats, our “no racism” rule will be no longer enforced at all with regards to the Middle East. Okay, and one more thing. This is actually another post from that same moderator I’m not gonna say that I’ve never done anything that’s technically rape, but I really don’t see how that’s relevant here. Wow, that’s terrible. But I still hold out hope that Trump voters have some compassion in their hearts. I mean these are our family, our friends. People we love and care about. And I’d like to prove that there’s still light in what seems like this cultist trailer park of hatred and fear. So let’s see if we can get these people to drop the stupid frog pictures and open their hearts. I’m a Syrian Refugee, ask me anything! Hey guys heard there were some misunderstanding about Syrian refugees in here and would love to clear it up, thank you in advance for questions. And post! Alright, now we just wait for the questions to come in, and I’m going to show you that people truly care “Can you go back to where you came from?” Alright, fuck it. I tried. Anyway, Trump’s got some other really famous supporters behind him, mostly named Scott. They got Scott Baio, Scott Peterson, and here’s Dilbert creator Scott Adams. [SCOTT ADAMS] If Clinton gets elected, there will never be another male president. Let me say that again. If Hillary Clinton gets elected, there will never be another male president Let me say that a third time. Huh! Who would have thought the guy who writes Dilbert was an annoying asshole? If Hillary Clinton gets elected, there will never be another male president. Welp, this isn’t actually his YouTube channel, so I don’t want to leave a comment here. This is his YouTube channel, and here’s an interesting video with a spooky description. The humiliation of America men as portrayed in a dishwasher soap commercial in 2016. Guessing this must be some hard-hitting stuff. [GUY] That detergent was like half the price! [GIRL] And we’ll have to use like double. Maybe more. I’m going back to the store. [GIRL] Yes, you are. [ERIK] Nope, just half of this soap commercial. I wonder what kind of fans the creator of Dilbert has. “That’s Jewish media for you.” “He’s cucked.” Down with the matriarchy!” “There isn’t even any humor in this. It’s just a bitchy chick bossing an omega male around.” “Weakling faggots like this will die in the coming war.” Ohhhhh. Yo big dog vote for Hilarryyyyyyyyyy And trigger! “Cuckold faggots. The male population of this country has been feminized. Fuck feminism.” Man, I’ll tell you what, getting a chance to leave some proper and respectful etiquette for the guy who writes Dilbert has been a dream of mine for years. [CONTINUED ALCHOHOLISM] Alright, I’m ready. Hey MAGA! Wow I had no idea you were with us Trump supporters! Man, I always thought Dilbert was the dumbest fucking comic out there. Just basically not funny at all and kind of a waste of everybody’s time. I’ll tell ya, you could throw a dog off a bridge and the impact stain would be more enjoyable to look at than anything you’ve ever put to paper. You also kinda look like someone who’s left some kids behind in shallow graves I the woods. Not that you have, but that’s certainly the vibe you give off. Anyway, I take it all back now that I know you’re with the greatest political movement since Sarah Palin opened the door for low-functioning adults who want to run for office. How many women have told you to leave them alone for you to get this fucking furious over a goddamn soap commercial? Maybe if you stopped writing Dilbert you could get yourself a date. I don’t think even a Trump victory could get women’s self esteem low enough to touch you in any way other than a shove that means “stop” and “no.” But hey, don’t worry, you’re just a old lonely man who came out of seclusion that not only did you create Dilbert, which sucks, but you also back Trump, which personally I think is awesome but I also drank a melted tire once because my cousin promised me a kiss. I lost a lot of brain cells on that dare, but not as many as the first time I tried to read Dilbert. Alright fuck you dude please cancel Dilbert. And correct the record! Hey look, I got some more responses on my Syrian refugee AMA! “How does it feel to know Hillary Clinton wrecked your country?” Uh, vote for Hillary. And respond. “You’re cute.” Alright, great. It’s good to see them with a sense of humor. “What happened to the Christian population? Why did Assad use chemical weapons? Edit: Of course you’re not going to answer considering the likelihood of you being a Hillary supporter masquerading as a refugee, who expected us to be racist.” Why would anyone expect you guys to be racist? Edit: vote for Hillary And correct the record. “So if Assad wins are you going back?” Vote for Hillary! Oop, I got banned from that subreddit pretty quick. “If you have a question regarding your ban you can contact the moderator team for r/thedonald by replying to this message.” Oh, okay! Vote for Hillary, and send! And now I’m banned from sending messages to the moderator team. Uh oh! Well anyway, we’ve come this far, why don’t we hear from the man himself? [TRUMP] Build the wall. We need the wall. The border patrol, ICE, they all want the wall. We stop the drugs, we shore up the border, one of my first acts will be to get all of the drug lords, all of the bad ones, we have some bad, bad people in this country that have to go out. We’re gonna get them out, we’re going to secure the border, and once the border is secured, at a later date, we’ll make it to termination as to the rest. But we have some bad hombres here, and we’re gonna get ’em out. Alright, well I guess it’s time for me to jump in here and correct that record one last time. Hey I been a Trump supporter for a year now. I never really understood politics but all I know is Donald Trump speaks from his heart and doesn’t let no agenda get in his way. That man tells it like it is, and he’s gonna make this country great again. This country’s gone to shit in a shit bucket. I ain’t never trust no politician to get nothin’ done except Donald J. Trump because he’s God’s chosen man for the job. I’ve been unemployed every since the Jiffy Lube up the street caught fire and I don’t know how I’mma feed my two daughters who are the lights of my life. Trump’s gonna fix that! I’m terrified of refugees and immigrants flooding into this country with their rape mouths and drug satchels, tryin to kick me out of my home to make room for more ghettos and Trump’s gonna fix that too. I may not like black people but I don’t see how that makes me a racist. I know some good ones who I get along with because they don’t throw it in my face. Gays gettin’ married? Well I could go either way on that one because I don’t see why we chould be tellin’ people what to do with their own assholes but if vice presidential candidate Mike Pence wants to ban homosexuality, ain’t no shit off my shirt. I been duped my whole life into thinking one way or another and it’s just refreshing refreshing to see a strong man up there on the podium. Absolutely, 100% not trying to dupe me in any way, no sir. He means everything he says. Hell, he means what he says so much he’ll even take back what he says sometimes just so he can say the original thing again later and remind everyone that’s what he meant in the first place. His son Eric looks like he might have got caught up in a paint mixer as a baby but that’s probably his mother’s fault. Lord knows you’re allowed a couple whammies when it comes to having kids. When will the lying crooked media stop trying to shove false truths down everyone’s throats and why does the public believe all this crap? I been watching Fox News for years now and I’ll tell ya they are directly responsible for all the knowledge and lack of paranoia bouncing around in my head, Obama’s the worst president we’ve ever had, Jews run the media, and if Hillary Clinton wins we’ll never have another chance at ever gettin’ a presidential candidate we like ever again! Especially not in four years, when there’s another election. Also, I don’t want no woman tellin’ me what to do. And POST! Alright, well no matter who you’re voting for, it’s great that you’re just going out to vote in the first place. So let’s all appreciate that, and no matter who wins, the true loser tonight… Is Ted Cruz. And tweet! Ooh, Happy Halloween! May the best ghoul win! [DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER [DIABOLICAL ALCHOHOLISM] Oh God, no! That’s gonna put me in the hospital. [EPIC VOICE] Proudly proclaim that you’re gonna be against this rigged election with your Southern Justice Warrior T-shirt. I promse I’m not just trying to make money offa you. I promise!

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