Internet Support Group 9

Internet Support Group 9


Hello Internet. Yep, that is right. It is time for another questionable advice giving session in the ‘Internet Support Group’. [snaps] Number 9 and I’m feeling fine. Eh? [laugh] Or not, which is why I decided to make this to distract myself from my internal freefall. (dank music plays) Now, [snaps] before we start, I bet you’re expecting that bit of the video where I break out the alcohol and make the joke about needing it to cope with my problems and mainly your problems… Well, no! Not today, because in this video, I have some water. That’s right, just plain old tap juice, because this, this is 2017, okay? And now more than ever, we need wholesomeness and positivity. So, out with crying for help with the relatable sad jokes, and in with the good example. So here’s a drinking game for all you kids out there: Take a shot of water whenever you feel like it so you stay healthy and hydrated. [ba-ding] Let’s get wet. [sips water] 💦 Now, it’s been a few months since I filmed the last Internet Support Group video, and the world has been a somewhat eventful place, so, let’s just say I saw a theme emerge. Anna, 16, Wisconsin Can you please adopt me? Donald Trump is president… Izzy, 14, America So Trump’s now president…any good places to live in England? Joaquin, 21, from Dakota British Dad save me. Angry Tangerine Dad is in charge of America. Amanda, 23, America Trump is president, SEND HELP! I’M PETRIFIED, THEY GAVE HIM PENS!! PENS, DAMNIT! HE’S SIGNING THINGS, DAN! Michelle, 13, New Zealand Trump. Help. I mean, shit, Michelle, if you’re scared in New Zealand, we’re all in trouble. This is a big topic, but simply and quickly, a lot of people seem scared for the future of their country, or the world, or for their own safety, on a planet where these kinds of views could win elections. And that is valid. No matter who you are, without getting into the complicated mess of politics, or whatever you think, you are not alone, okay? You can find people to physically and emotionally support you, and if you don’t like how things are, become inspired to stand up and make the world one that you would feel proud to live in. Also, the guy that said that “Angry Tangerine Dad” thing, yeah, that’s gonna be in my nightmares for weeks, thanks for that. Alright! Now we go to a question from viewer Eric, age 20, from Boston. ‘Sup banter?! That’s how the Brits say hello, right? Um, no. That made no sense, please never say that again. I have a self control issue, which causes me immense pain and disturbs everyone around me. I’m addicted to pulling on hang nails. [dramatic sound effect] Ahhh AHHH! NO NO! Whenever I see one, I just have to yank it, and all of my fingers are raw and bleeding. My friends can’t stand it, so I should probably stop. How do I resist the temptation? What the ever loving fuck is wrong with you, Eric? Seriously, the pain isn’t stopping you? Just, g-get gloves surgically attached to your hand or something, And PLEASE, don’t email me again. Dear Sirs, We are glad to known you from Chinese Ministry of Commerce. Our company is specilized in silicone for breast and glue enhancement and free trial if you sign up- Oh. Okay, right, that is just a spam email from China. Right, well I- Good luck with that boob silicon. Let’s take one from Elise, aged 20, from Italy. Hi Dan, My younger sister doesn’t speak a single word of English, so she keeps asking me to translate your videos for her. I’ve already translated every single one. Every. Single. One. And my English sucks. For God’s sake, stop talking so fast. Read this fucking email. You prick. I do talk really fast, don’t I? I’m sorry about that, all the people around the world that watch these videos. BUT, this channel does have the community transcriptions option enabled. So if you want to help out people that speak your language by transcribing some of my videos, then you can just click the link in the description and help out. Please do that, so Elise doesn’t murder me, she seems very angry. Ilse, 21 from the Netherlands, would like to ask: Hi Dan. I’m sad and angry. [chuckles] Same. I’m sad because ever since I was 4, I loved ice skating. Speed skating, not that Anime shit. But my dad wouldn’t let me get lessons. They were too expensive, he told me. Then when I was 7, he bought my sister and I a boat. I DIDN’T ASK FOR A FUCKING BOAT! Recently, he told me he did some research, and the costs were less than he expected and I could in fact have gotten lessons when I was younger. IT WAS THE ONLY THING I WAS GOOD AT AND HAD SOME POTENTIAL AT. I HAVE CRIED MYSELF TO SLEEP A COUNTLESS AMOUNT OF TIMES BECAUSE MY ONLY DREAM HAD BEEN SHATTERED INTO LITTLE PIECES AND THAT ASSHOLE DIDN’T EVEN BOTHER TO LOOK UP THE COSTS. Here’s the thing about parents. When you’re little and you’re growing up, you see your parents as these giant, all-powerful superheroes, that must know everything, because they’re adults. Well, the closer you get to being an adult, the less you realise that is true. You see, parents are just people that had sex. [yay sound effect] [claps] Well done parents, truly, you’re qualified for nothing. So your dad didn’t realise he crushed your childhood dream. [honk sound effect] Whoops! It actually happens a lot. It is very rare that any of us would be born with the luck and privilege of being in a family that actually understands and encourages our childhood dreams so we magically become pop stars and actors by the time we’re 18. For the rest of us losers in the real world, we have to do it all ourselves. We don’t have any help from anyone, so you know what I say to you? Stop dwelling on pasts that could have been, and come to grips with your real short, meaningless life, and get on the ice. It is never too late. Also you should try watching Yuri on Ice, maybe all your problems will “melt away”. [chuckles] Too soon. Alyssia, aged 16 from Wolverhampton, would like to tell us, Hi Dan, So, me and my friends made an account on Grindr for lols, but I found my uncle on it. What do I do? Should I tell anyone about this? P.S. my friends don’t know it was my uncle. Holy shit, okay. One, don’t let any of your friends ever meet your uncle, okay? Two, do not look at his profile in case you find any pictures or read any partner preferences that would literally traumatize you forever. And three, decide if this is an awkward conversation to have with your uncle, or maybe a secret that you should just die with. Probably that one. [awkward laughter] Now we go to Roo, aged 17 from [bad Australian accent] Auckland. That was bad. Was it an actual kangaroo that asked me this question? Let’s find out. Hi Dan. I think I have a stalker. There’s a weird guy at my college who started to follow me wherever I went and force conversations. He told me he was gay, and then denied it straight after. Of course, no issue with this, but I’m straight. It was also at this point in the year in which we were given bands and told to write songs and perform them for everyone. So, I wrote a song about him, basically saying to leave me alone. We performed it, and he didn’t pick up on the unsubtle hints I dropped. He saw me today, did finger guns and said “Wazup Andrew.” I don’t know how to respond. Okay, firstly, Roo, is your mum called Kanga? Sorry, I just have to ask. This guy has a crush on you and he doesn’t know how to express it, okay? I don’t know how you haven’t picked up on this, but it’s safe to say that writing a song about him and performing it is literally the worst thing you could’ve done. Even if it’s telling him to go away. So, maybe just go up to him and say, “Hey, I appreciate the attention, but I’m not about the guy on guy action”, and hopefully he won’t skin you or anything. [snaps] Savannah, aged 14 from Tennessee, would like to inquire, Hey Dan, I’ve been having some boy troubles lately, and some advice coming from an experienced boy like yourself, lol, would be really nice. You could interpret that in a bunch of different ways, and frankly, all of them would be true. I’ve been dating this amazing guy for almost 3 years. He’s really funny and sweet. However, when he talks to his friends, they make nothing but cancer jokes, and laugh at those unfunny, offensive memes, and my boyfriend is starting to act more like them. He acts like a completely different person, but when we hang out, he’s fine. Savannah, life is terrifying. Other people are terrifying, we are all just constantly terrified and desperate to fit in, and I feel like your boyfriend just wants to be accepted by the guys that make offensive jokes, which is pretty typical for teenagers who actually just have low self-esteem. What you need to ask is, what makes a meme offensive or not aside, is he pretending to be someone he is not? Just talk to him and tell him that you don’t like the, as we say in the UK, “lad banter”. There you go, Eric, and who knows, maybe he’ll say that he’s just doing it to fit in, or if not, hey, as people get older they tend to be more mature, have more self-confidence, and don’t need to bring other people down, or just realize what’s problematic, hopefully. And if not, it’s okay. Don’t expect too much from a teenage relationship, okay? It’s a hard time for everybody. Everyone’s a mess. Chase, 20 from Califor- Would-uh, would like to ask: Yo Danny! No. I’ve been painting a picture of my crush for the last 8 months. Should I give it to her? We don’t know each other, but I wouldn’t wanna deal with the shame if she laughed at it. [cricket noises] Bruh, you can’t go up to someone you don’t know and give them a painting you’ve been working on for 8 months, that would be the quickest restraining order ever filed. [laughs] I don’t know if it would be worse to anonymously send her the painting, or to start a brand-new friendship with this thing being the end game. You know, maybe just keep this as a private paint- oh, my God, that sounds even worse. You know what, I-I-I can’t, I’m sorry. Ra-ra-ra-rachael, 17, from Canada: Hey Dan, my mom just brought home this photo of some long-dead relative from around 1900. It looks straight out of a horror movie. Jesus, fuck me, burn it! Are you kidding me? There is definitely a demon hiding in that waiting to possess you, okay, just look at it. [laughs] Randy, aged 17 from Wisconsin, has written in: Hi Dan, My name is Randy Day. Yes, that’s my actual name and school is a living hell because of it. I hate my parents for picking this name, but I don’t want to upset them by changing it. I’m moving school next year so I want to start with a new name. Will you name me, Dan? Okay, no, seriously, I think there is a theme developing in this video, which is: Sometimes, parents are just so shit, like, honestly, what did any of us do to deserve…? Change your name. If you want to, just do it, Randy, it’s your freaking name forever, not your parents’, and hey, if you’re asking me what I think you should be called, I suggest ‘time to survive another’. It’s appropriate and meaningful. And now we go to Heather aged 18 from the good old land of Canada. What could be going wrong in Canada, eh? Uhh What? [laughs] Okay, uh, very creative, it would appear someone has sent me a problem written entirely in Morse code. [claps] Very well done, that did get my attention I guess. Right, okay, uh- [typing] “Morse code to english”. What does this say? According to all known laws of aviation [record scratch] [laughs] [sighs] It’s the entire script of the Bee Movie, [wow sound effect] okay, there we go, well done, see- How is this ema- it goes on for- it is literally the entire script, oh my god, right, well- Just when I think, “there is no way left for you guys to troll me”, this is very [claps] creative. [claps] [claps] Thanks, Canada. Well, this has been another emotional rollercoaster, [laughs] there we go, well, whether it’s Trump, boob silicon, or parents, There we go, w- I guess you guys are my audience, I am here for you, and in a way, I suppose this does reflect the world that we live in. Dear God, well y-you know what, I’m gonna go and… grab some more water, and that’s it, because I am fine. This was ‘Internet Support Group 9’. That was an unintentional rhyme. I want to die. [positive music] [positive music] [laughs] Ahem… [laughs] The email for sending me problems for a future episode of this is written down in the description, and if you, person watching this right now, have any opinions or alternate advice for the questions that I shared in this video, write them down in the [computerized voiceover] comments and discuss them, I actually like to read it. [claps] Please give me a thumbs up if this didn’t horrify you [pause] too much by the end. You can click subscribe for more bi-millennia content from me, and remember [pause] to check out my side channel for the weekly Q&A slash hangout videos that I’m uploading which are great to listen to like a, a podcast for you to pretend you have friends. [snaps] Stay hydrated. Wooo!

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