Mad Maxine: Life is Tumblr

Mad Maxine: Life is Tumblr


[Alarm clock flips to 6:00] [Song and Cher’sI Got You, Babeplaying] ♫ Then put your little hand in mine. ♫ ♫ There ain’t no hill or mountain we can’t climb. ♫ ♫ Babe. ♫ ♫ I got you babe. ♫ ♫ I got you babe. ♫ [Maxine gets out of bed]
♫ I got you babe. ♫ [Maxine gets out of bed] RADIO DJ #1: Okay campers! Rise and shine! ON SCREEN: Hey, did you seeLife is Tumblrhas a 10/10 on Steam?
[Phone keyboard texting]
RADIO DJ #1: Okay campers! Rise and shine! And an 8.7 on Metacritic.
[Phone keyboard texting]
RADIO DJ #1: Okay campers! Rise and shine! And don’t forget your booties, ’cause it’s
[Phone keyboard texting]
And an 8.7 on Metacritic. And an average rating of 8.5 on Gamespot!
And don’t forget your booties, ’cause it’s
[Phone keyboard texting] COLD out there!
[Phone keyboard texting]
And an average rating of 8.5 on Gamespot! COLD out there!
And an average rating of 8.5 on Gamespot! RADIO DJ #2: It’s cold out there everyday!
And an average rating of 8.5 on Gamespot! RADIO DJ #2: It’s cold out there everyday! What is this, Miami Beach? [Ominous sounds]
What is this, Miami Beach? [Ominous sounds] [Classical music] MRS. LANCASTER FROMGroundhog Day: Did you sleep well, Mr. Conners? JOYCE PRICE:—I mean Max? MRS. LANCASTER: Would you like some… CHLOE: Hella. MRS. LANCASTER: —toast? [Creepy music] [Maxine opens a car’s visor]
[Creepy music] [Creepy music] [Gunshot]
[Creepy music] ON SCREEN: SPOILERS AHEAD
[Gunshot]
[Creepy music] [Maxine’s cadaver hits the ground]
[Creepy music]
ON SCREEN: SPOILERS AHEAD [Creepy music]
ON SCREEN: SPOILERS AHEAD ON SCREEN: SPOILERS AHEAD E;R: I originally had high hopes for Dontnod, a Paris-based video game development studio, when they released their first game in 2013, called… uh… fuck it, I forget. [Ba-dum] [Explosion] [Car alarm] NILLIN FROMRemember Me: Mommy?
[Car alarm] [Car alarm] NILLIN’S MOTHER: Mommy told you…
[Car alarm] [Car alarm] See what happens.
[Car alarm] [Car alarm] This is your fault!
[Car alarm] [Car alarm] E;R: And everybody forgot for good reason, because its main character was tremendously bland for a retarded solipsist. POLICE OFFICER: Murderer! You’re gonna pay! NILLIN: Not listening, go away. SMEAGOL FROMThe Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers: Not listening… Not listening… E;R: The story was also retarded, the gameplay equally as retarded, and the one and only unique gimmick was painfully underutilized. The whole thing was quite honestly a huge waste of everybody’s time. BUT… it had its high-points. The art direction was stunning, and despite… NEO… Paris being mostly a slum, like it’s rapidly becoming now, I honestly wanted to live there, the setting was so cool. [Olivier Deriviere’sNeo Parisplaying] It certainly didn’t hurt that there weren’t any French people in it. Or Arabs. I would have sex with aaaaall of these robots. All of them. The soundtrack was glorious as well and I’m generally much more lenient with things when there’s good music involved. [Olivier Deriviere’sNilin the Memory Hunterplaying] But overall,Remember Mewas a flop, in execution and in sales, ON SCREEN: 500,000+ units sold
in execution and in sales, ON SCREEN: 500,000+ units sold so much so that studio Dontnod had to file for bankruptcy.
ON SCREEN: 500,000+ units sold so much so that studio Dontnod had to file for bankruptcy. Ahem, I’m sorry, be “judicially reorganized.” So when Dontnod announced a new IP,Life is Tumblr, I was, truthfully, a tiny bit excited. Perhaps with all of their talent reined in and focused to a finer point, Dontnod could really hit this one out of the park. But my hopes soon plummeted when the first previews of the “game” came out and it was heralded to be… episodic. [Dun, dun] [DUN!] Not only that, they ripped off the Telltale Games formula —badly. DAVID: I will remember this conversation. E;R: This is speaking as a non-fan of Telltale Games— KENNY FROMThe Walking Dead: Season One: This asshole thinks he’s getting on MY boat! E;R: —ever since they moved away from more traditional, Lucas Arts-ian point-’n-click adventure games, likeBone,Sam and Max, andMonkey Island. But, maybe, I thought, if Dontnod was going to cut away, you know, almost everything that makes a game a game, they could at least concentrate on telling a good story. Sad to say, when the first episode came out, I got up to this bit before I laughed my ass off and deleted that shit from my computer. CHLOE: I can tell everybody Nathan Prescott is a punk ass who begs like a little girl and talks to himself— PRESCOTT: You don’t know who the fuck I am or who you’re messing around with! TOURETTE’S GUY: Fuck! [Jun Ishikawa’sGourmet Raceplaying] [Gunshot]
[Jun Ishikawa’sGourmet Raceplaying] [Jun Ishikawa’sGourmet Raceplaying] [Gunshot]
[Jun Ishikawa’sGourmet Raceplaying] [Jun Ishikawa’sGourmet Raceplaying] [Gunshot]
[Jun Ishikawa’sGourmet Raceplaying] [Jun Ishikawa’sGourmet Raceplaying] [Gunshot]
[Jun Ishikawa’sGourmet Raceplaying] [Jun Ishikawa’sGourmet Raceplaying] [Gunshot]
[Jun Ishikawa’sGourmet Raceplaying] [Jun Ishikawa’sGourmet Raceplaying] [Man laughing hysterically] E;R: Then I watched the rest of the season by way of Youtube Let’s Plays. Because I hate myself. So yes, intelligent viewer, none of this footage is actually mine. For one thing, fuck… do you need a much better computer than I’ve got to record any of this shit, and for another,Life is Tumblrfeatures so little gameplay that it’d be virtually impossible to tell that I even stole the footage in the first place. Aw yeah! Wait. There’s just so much wrong with this “game” that I don’t even know where to start. Well, how about the characters? We have Mad Maxine, a very boyish-looking hipster from Arcadia Bay, ON SCREEN: No relation
We have Mad Maxine, a very boyish-looking hipster from Arcadia Bay, We have Mad Maxine, a very boyish-looking hipster from Arcadia Bay, [Smack!]
We have Mad Maxine, a very boyish-looking hipster from Arcadia Bay, We have Mad Maxine, a very boyish-looking hipster from Arcadia Bay, [Echoing] OREGON. [Normally] She’s a photography student at an art boarding school and her claim to fame are her selfies. Not even joking. ON SCREEN: Not supposed to do that
Not even joking. ON SCREEN: Not supposed to do that She takes selfies.
ON SCREEN: Not supposed to do that She takes selfies. She’s lauded… for taking selfies. TELECASTER: Welcome to parenting in 2015. [Co-host laughs]
TELECASTER: Welcome to parenting in 2015. They’re all just completely transfixed— E;R. DEMONIC: THIS IS THE FUTURE YOU CHOSE. [Normally] Her personality boils down to the robust decisiveness of Shinji Ikari and the fiery ambition of Katniss Everdeen. That is to say, throughoutLife is Tumblr, Maxine does… next to nothing of her own volition. She is little more than a personified reaction to the events surrounding her as she is dragged along by the whims of other more autonomous characters. She is the epitome of the self-insert surrogate. Also, and this is, admittedly, rather petty of me, her voice grates on me something fierce. MAXINE: If I’m not looking through a viewfinder, I’m looking through a window… Always looking. E;R: It’s got that wobbly, perpetually-on-the-verge-of-tears cadence to it that drives me up a wall. MAXINE: This makes me so sad. E;R: It reminds me a lot of Ellen Page, but it’s nowhere near that bad. ELLEN PAGE: Different ways of representing women, and um… you know, more stories for [Nails on a chalkboard]
you know, more stories for [Nails on a chalkboard] E;R: Please, make it staaaahhhp.
[Nails on a chalkboard] Maxine also has time-travel powers. Well, and teleportation powers, too. We’ll get to that later. Next up is Chloe. Chloe is, to put it simply, a cunt. CHLOE: Bang! MAXINE: Jesus… L FROMDeath Note (2006 Movie): Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! TOUTA MATSUDA: Hey, what the Hell?! E;R: A bona-fide, Grade-A, Korra-tier cunt. Who could’ve possibly seen this coming… [Shrill noise] There’s just so much cuntiness that it would take WAY too long to go through all of it. ON SCREEN: Chloe’s Cunt Corner
But here’re the highlights! [Ding]
Is a high school drop-out, Is a high school drop-out, who apparently does nothing better than smoke weed and live parasitically on her step-father’s dime. ON SCREEN: *and mother’s
who apparently does nothing better than smoke weed and live parasitically on her step-father’s dime. [Ding]
Strings along Maxine in every crime she commits Strings along Maxine in every crime she commits and pressures Maxine to abuse her powers whenever she sees fit. CHLOE: So we should figure out how to best use and abuse your power— [Ding]
E;R: Will steal from a handicapped fund. E;R: Will steal from a handicapped fund. [Ding]
Will shoot a man, to whom she owes money, Will shoot a man, to whom she owes money, and his dog with her stepfather’s gun just because she can. [Ding]
Is incapable of doing anything herself Is incapable of doing anything herself and faults everybody BUT herself for her failings. MAXINE: Chloe, you can’t keep blaming me and everybody for everything wrong in your life. CHLOE: I gotta blame somebody. Otherwise it’s all my fault. Fuck that. E;R: And so much more! CHLOE: Stop treating me and my mom like we’re your family platoon. SOLDIER FROMCall of Duty: Modern Warfare 2: Tactical nuke incoming! DAVID: Hey, leave Joyce out of this.
SOLDIER FROMCall of Duty: Modern Warfare 2: Tactical nuke incoming! CHLOE: I wish you’d leave Joyce.
[Emergency signal] Like now.
[Emergency signal] [David bitch-slaps Chloe] [Black men chimping out at a very hihg speed] E;R: Then there’s Warren, the white knight. WARREN: Sensitive usually means: “Won’t be having sex with you.” MAXINE: Oh, God. You need a sensitive woman to kick your ass. WARREN: If I was [Echoing] Lucky. E;R: He’s head over heels for Maxine, treats her like royalty, thinks only the absolute best of her, is at her beck and call, and expects diddly-squat in return. WARREN: You’ve always treated me like a person, not… not a beta nerd. I… E;R: He’s what a lot of adult men look back on and cringe internally at. WARREN: I’m feeling pretty alpha now. MAXINE: Yes… you are. E;R: Over here there’s Bitch, whose only purpose in the story is literally —not figuratively, literally— to be a bitch. VICTORIA: Now, why don’t you go fuck your selfie? [Dr. Dre’sThe Next Episode ft. Snoop Dogg, Kurupt, Nate Doggplaying] ♫ Hold up. ♫ ♫ Hey! ♫ ♫ For my niggas who be thinking we soft— ♫ E;R: Hey, what’s with all of the girls in this game wearing elderly woman hairdos? MORDECAI FROMCabin in the Woods: You know damn well. E;R: There’s Nathan Prescott, a red herring. I mean it, his character serves no other purpose than to be a red herring. A blindingly obvious one, you nitwits! [Smack!]
A blindingly obvious one, you nitwits! A blindingly obvious one, you nitwits! There’s Mr. Jefferson, Maxine’s photography teacher at Hipster Bullshit art school and residential serial killer. MAXINE: Why? Why?! JEFFERSON: “Why?” [Sniffles] “Why?!” Start listening to me, you dumb cunt! RUSS HANNERMAN FROMSilicon Valley: This guy… Fucks! E;R: A real jerkass and, problematically, the only character I ever rooted for. JEFFERSON: It might be cool if you took one of your patented selfies now… [Camera shutter] E;R: Now almost all of these characters are HORRIFICALLY written. The dialogue inLife is Tumblr, I can say without exaggeration, is some of the worst I’ve seen in the medium. CHLOE: Let’s talk bidness— You got hella cash. You are going to get in hella more trouble for this than drugs— You hella saved my life. PRESCOTT: Whatthefuckever. Get off my crack, whore. MAXINE: Are you cereal? [Detection sound fromMetal Gear Solid] You have mad skills, Max. CHLOE: Awesome sauce? Amazeballs. I literally just got chills all over my neck. ALYSSA: Not now, Max. I’m contemplating shit. MAXINE: Good to know Frank has a knife lying around… HAYDEN JONES: I just vaped some DANK OG bud. MAXINE: I fixed everything. Wowser. Wowser. Wowser! Wowser. [Wowserintro] Wow, wow, Wowser! Wowser! MAXINE: I see why Chloe hangs here. She’s a steam-punk… CHLOE: But this isn’t an anime or a video game. MAXINE: It is hella cold out here. CHLOE: “Hella”? I hate that word, no offense. Hella yes! Hella “best friends forever.” Hella fucking paranoid. Hella insane fucking day. Hella stupid, usually. E;R: It’s like a bunch of middle-aged Frenchmen set out to write a bunch of American teenaged girls and hit it SQUARE ON THE MONEY. [Dart hitting dartboard]
and hit it SQUARE ON THE MONEY. and hit it SQUARE ON THE MONEY. MAXINE: Ready for the mosh pit, shaka brah. E;R: Yeah, you heard me right. Those of you who think this dialogue is either unrealistic, put-on, inorganic, or ham-fisted —you haven’t been around a great many teenaged girls. They do, in fact, talk like this. TURK FROMScrubs: Like, oh my GOD! E;R: I say this also as a man who attended a residential high school for the arts. If you ever want to visit a safe haven for some of the most self-absorbed, infantilizing, entitled shitstains on the face of this Earth, visit an art school. Or Yale. JERELYN LUTHER: As your position as master, it is your job to create a place of comfort and home for the students that live in Silliman. CHRISTAKIS: I hear you. LUTHER: You have not done that.
CHRISTAKIS: I hear you. LUTHER: You have not done that. By sending out that email, that goes against your position as master. Do you understand that? CHRISTAKIS: No I don’t agree with that. LUTHER: Then why the fuck did you accept the position! CHRISTAKIS: Because I have a diff…
LUTHER: Who the fuck hired you? LUTHER: Who the fuck hired you? CHRISTAKIS: I have a different vision than you. LUTHER: You should step down!
CHRISTAKIS: I have a different vision than you. LUTHER: You should step down! If that is what you think about being a [inaudible] master, then you should step down! It is not about creating an intellectual space! It is not! Do you understand that? JOTARO KUJO FROMJoJo’s Bizarre Adventure: Stardust Crusaders: Do you understand? LUTHER: It’s about creating a home here! You are not doing that. MALE STUDENT: You’re supposed to be our advocate!
LUTHER: You’re going against that. E;R: Unfortunately, Dontnod, realism does not equate to “good.” Realism equaling “good” is a fallacy that, yes, a lot of people fall prey to, but traditional narrative structure and characterization trumps realism, every time. Speaking of narrative structure,Life is Tumblr’s story is a ridiculous, nonsensical clusterfuck of a mess, but I’m not about to make another feature-length film here, so this is the Sparknotes version: Chloe, the blue-haired cunt, strings a submissive Maxine along to help her find her friend, Rachel, abusing Maxine’s out-of-nowhere magical bullshit time-travel powers whenever possible. Turns out, Rachel was killed by Mr. Jefferson. [Record scratch] ROBOT: Red Herring is the one to actually kill her, but what the fuck ever. E;R: Also turns out that Maxine’s powers randomly jumpstarted a mini-apocalypse for no reason at all. In the end, either Chloe must die or everybody in Arcadia Bay dies for, you guessed it, no reason at all. There are a couple of sub-plots that pretend to be connected with the main one, but either aren’t or are just barely. Here’re the highlights! [Ding]
Bullying! Bullying! A girl named Kate can be bullied into suicide. Maxine can either save Kate with her powers or let her die. KATE: Do you know how humiliating this is for me? MAXINE: Eat shit and die. [Screams of terror] [Kate hits the ground] [Maxine rewinds time] [Screaming] [Rewind] [Screaming] [Rewind] [Screaming] [Rewind] [Screaming] [Ding]
E;R: Bottles! E;R: Bottles! CHLOE: Can you find five bottles while I prep the shooting range? [Maxine speaking at a very hihg speed] MAXINE: It’s so quiet and primordial out here. I always feel like the forest is whispering to me. E;R, WHISPERING: You are a cunt. MAXINE: Like Arcadia Bay is trying to tell me something. E;R, WHISPERING: You are a cunt. MAXINE: I just have to figure out the message. E;R, WHISPERING: Cunt. CHLOE: Thanks, Max. BILL NYE: This is just [Bass-amplified] bullshit! [Ding]
E;R: Insightful commentary on gun rights! E;R: Insightful commentary on gun rights! MAXINE: I thought you believed in gun control. CHLOE: Yes, I believe I should control the gun. It’s the men who need to be checked. [Gunshot] [Bullet ricochets into Chloe’s chest. Karma, bitch] Jesus, I shot myself! Ugh! I shot myself! Back up, back up! MAXINE: Stupid gun!
Back up, back up! MAXINE: Stupid gun! [Pompidou barking] [Chloe shoots Pompidou] [Pompidou barks in pain] FRANK: Pompidou! You fucking killed my dog! [Chloe shoots Frank] MAXINE: Oh my God!
[Chloe shoots Frank] MAXINE: Oh my God! [Ding]
E;R: The Butterfly Effect! E;R: The Butterfly Effect! Maxine visits an alternate timeline where Chloe is not an abominable thundercunt! Instead, she’s a cripple in horrible, acute pain due to a car crash.Life is Tumblrtries to pretend this is worse. MAXINE: You’re kind and sensitive… when you don’t even have to be. [Lost DJ featuring Klaudia M. –Walking On Sunshine (Dj Sequence ‘Candy’ Remix)playing] MAXINE: Grow up! God, you’re not the only one in Arcadia Bay with problems. Kate Marsh almost… CHLOE: Yes, Kate Marsh almost killed herself. Such sad. Okay? That doesn’t make me feel any better about my fucked up life, get it? [Kat McSnatch’sYou are a Cuntplaying] ♫ You are a cunt, ♫ ♫ You are a cunt. ♫ ROBOT: Niggers. [Ding]
E;R: This guy’s whole character! E;R: This guy’s whole character! FRANK: I was eating those beans! [Frank groans in pain] [Ding]
E;R: ASilent Hill-esque nightmare sequence whereLife is Tumblris actually… E;R: ASilent Hill-esque nightmare sequence whereLife is Tumblris actually… self-aware? MAXINE: I only wanted to do the right thing. No, you only wanted to be popular. And once you got these amazing powers, your big plan was to trick people into thinking you give a rat’s ass. You’re a goddamn hypocrite. You fucked up time and space for your precious punk Chloe. Do you really think she’s our friend? That she respects us in any way? Man, you are soooo stupid. M. BISON FROMStreet Fighter (TV Show): Yes! E;R: Holy shit, can this be it? Is a developer finally going to call out their audience on liking such a gigantic pile of shit? NOPE. [Ding]
Lesbians! Lesbians! …kind of. Maybe. I’m not sure. It’s not especially clear. And so much more insubstantial bullcrap! Alright, to get into specifically why and how none of these characters and plots come together would be… an impossibly lengthy feat, so instead I’ll focus on the central story/game mechanic ofLife is Tumblr: Maxine’s time-manipulation powers. I love time-travel in fiction. I could do a whole series of reviews for time-travel across many entertainment mediums. I LOVE that shit. But… let’s be honest. Time-travel in fiction mostly sucks. Not because it’s unrealistic or, God forbid, unscientific, because by most accounts, it would appear that time-travel is fundamentally impossible. So yes, in fiction, some laws of physics must be bent to pull it off. The problem, however, rests with the fact that so few stories will stick to their own made-up laws. Here are some pieces of time-travel entertainment that get it right: [Lost DJ featuring Klaudia M. –Walking On Sunshine (Dj Sequence ‘Candy’ Remix)playing]Life is Tumblris NOT one of them. For starters, there’s no reason given as to why Maxine suddenly receives time-manipulation powers. None. So fuck that very much. Let’s break down her power: Maxine’s shtick is to reverse time a laRiley Rewind. When she goes back too far, which is only a minute or so, she gets a headache, and if her powers need to cut off at a story-dramatic moment, she gets a fuck-you nosebleed. While Maxine can reverse the world around her, she herself stays stationary. Well, not totally stationary, as her power would imply reversing the Earth’s rotation and its 30-kilometer-per-second orbital speed around the sun. So she’s somehow moving in perfect synchronization with the planet. And that’s… fine. But this means that Maxine is manipulating both time AND space, that she has the ability to spatially warp herself across a short distance. In essence, she’s teleporting. To illustrate this: if a minute ago, Maxine stood in one spot but then moved to another spot and went back a minute, [Rewind]
but then moved to another spot and went back a minute, it’d be as if she jump-cut herself from over there to over here. However, nobody in this world acknowledges this. Maxine will teleport before their eyes and they simply do not care. When Chloe asks for proof of Maxine’s power, a simple teleportation could’ve done the trick, but “Life is Tumblr” never thought of that, so it doesn’t happen. The “game” acknowledges her spatial powers in a small number of puzzles, and Chloe accepts her teleporting at least once, but other than that, Maxine is teleporting all over the damn place and nobody gives half a flying fuck. So, what does Maxine use this power for? [Maxine rewinds time] [Paint bucket hits the sidewalk] [Victoria gasps in shock] VICTORIA: No way. No fucking way!
[Victoria gasps in shock] VICTORIA: No way. No fucking way! COURTNEY WAGNER: You okay, Victoria?
VICTORIA: No way. No fucking way! COURTNEY WAGNER: You okay, Victoria? [Wasted sound fromGrand Theft Auto] [Splooge] MAXINE: Don’t mess with Max, bitches. E;R: She could make herself a billionaire or god-empress of the world, but she doesn’t even attempt to experiment with her newfound powers. She barely even uses them to boost her photography career! Like, why wouldn’t you… fffffuck! Additionally, Maxine has the power to look into her photographs and teleport back in time to when they were taken. Why can she do this? Pfft, I dunno. So why doesn’t she stop 9/11? Well, that’s actually a bad idea, if you think about it. To do that would be to kill basically everybody born after 9/11 and switch them out for a different timeline of varyingly different people. She’d be a mass-murderer on much larger scale than the Jew— Why doesn’t she go back to the earliest photo she’s taken and take over the world?! GODDAMMIT. [TV lost signal] [Bert Kaempfert’sThat Happy Feelingplaying] Now, from what little we really know, there is no multiple-worlds interpretation going on inLife is Tumblr. Maxine does alter her timeline into a different-appearing timeline, by changing the past and thus the future. For instance, from one where Chloe is a cunt and Maxine is unpopular to one where Chloe is nice and Maxine herself can sit at the cool kids table. But since she has no memory of living in the new timeline upon returning to the “present,” it’s almost like she switched over to a parallel universe where she just killed the consciousness of the host body [Death sound fromPac-Man]
it’s almost like she switched over to a parallel universe where she just killed the consciousness of the host body to replace it with her own out-of-time consciousness… But why would her affecting her own timeline prompt her to switch over to a parallel universe’s timeline that she hadn’t previously affected? I mean, it could, but there’d have to be some indication that that were the case and that just isn’t the case. [Mockingly] But muhDonnie Darkotangent universes! [Normally] Look, there’s no evidence of any of that. None. Even if there were, Maxine is too stupid to stop and even consider it. One has to conclude that this all occurs on a single linear timeline where she’s just fucking shit up and doing things like OD’ing Chloe for the perverse thrill of it, only to undo everything and un-cripple her anyway. MAXINE: How can I be responsible for ending yours? I mean, there’s got to be another way. [Lost DJ featuring Klaudia M. –Walking On Sunshine (Dj Sequence ‘Candy’ Remix)playing] CHLOE: See you around. MAXINE: Sooner than you think. [Record scratch] E;R: What a sick, twisted bitch. Anyway, for the sake of simplicity, we’ll call this time-travel model the Modifiable Conditions model, wherein Maxine can change the conditions of her past to modify her future, and in the process, somehow the Butterfly Effect/Chaos Theory doesn’t kill everybody she knows and loves. Well, not immediately, anyway. Because, as it turns out, the Butterfly Effect is actually in the process of very gradually creating a stationary super tornado with hilariously little wind speed to kill everybody. And in the meanwhile, the it’s getting off on killing birds and whales and duplicating the moon and shit. Which is dumb. But wait, Maxine realizes that the super tornado can be cancelled out if Chloe dies at the start of the game like she would’ve originally if Maxine hadn’t manipulated time to save her. How does she ever come to that conclus— Shhh shhh shhh shhh… plot, baby. It’s all for the plot. But why is killing Chloe, and only Chloe, the only way to stop the tornado and save Arcadia Bay? Where is the direct correlation? What’s to stop Maxine from using her powers to, say, dump a bucket of paint on deez bitches later on, and why wouldn’t that have a catastrophic Butterfly Effect? Why didn’t anything she manipulated have the same sort of effect? Why did anything happen in this game at all? [Sigh] There are a lot more —A LOT more—issues that I had withLife is Tumblr’s time-travel, but they get fairly complicated. Like when Maxine changes the original timeline to the cripple-Chloe timeline, did she just pop back into existence without previously existing in that timeline, somehow or did she kill and replace the cripple-Chloe Maxine? But since cripple-Chloe Maxine had time powers because there’s no reason to assume she wouldn’t, why wouldn’t cripple-Chloe Maxine make changes to her own past to kill and replace other Maxine’s before the original Maxine could kill and replace her? So is the cripple-Chloe timeline the result of a single altered moment of the original timeline
to kill and replace other Maxine’s before the original Maxine could kill and replace her? So is the cripple-Chloe timeline the result of a single altered moment of the original timeline or the result of numerous alternations made by numerous recursive Maxines to numerous recursive timelines? And if that’s the case, how come none of those recursive Maxine’s killed the original Maxine or was the original Maxine killed a long time ago? [E;R layers several questions on top of each other] You get my gist. The time-travel is broken and stupid and Maxine is fucking ignorant. And that’s not even the worst part… [Distorted sounds] [Lost DJ featuring Klaudia M. –Walking On Sunshine (Dj Sequence ‘Candy’ Remix)playing] MAXINE: Chloe… I can’t make this choice… CHLOE: No Max… You’re the only one who can. [Pennywise fromItlaughing] E;R, BASS-AMPLIFIED: There are no choices.
[Pennywise fromItlaughing] [Pennywise fromItlaughing] [Normally] That’s right. Only one decision matters to the story. ONE. No matter what you do, no matter how you play the “game,” you will only ever arrive at this singular, all-encompassing decision. And here it is: Kill the cunt, save the bay. Keep her alive, kill everybody else. Gee, I don’t know if I can decide between these… [Ding Dong! The Witch is Dead!fromThe Wizard of Oz] ♫ Ding dong! The Witch is dead! ♫ ♫ Which old Witch? ♫ ♫ The Wicked Witch! ♫ ♫ Ding dong! The Wicked Witch is dead! ♫ E;R: So really, you’re only choices are negating approximately 14 to 19 hours of “gameplay” by resetting the timeline. Or negating approximately 14 to 19 hours of gameplay by letting everybody die because you should’ve reset the timeline, you fuck! Even Telltale can’t top this level of hack chicanery. NICK FROMLeft 4 Dead 2: Pills here. E;R: When you kill Chloe, well, you get to go all lesbians —who would’ve guessed!— and then Maxine kills her past self to ensure that Chloe is shot in a filthy high school bathroom. MAXINE: It’s the powers of best friendship. I know how you roll… [Gunshot] [Gunshot]
[Jun Ishikawa’sGourmet Raceplaying] [Jun Ishikawa’sGourmet Raceplaying] [Gunshot]
[Jun Ishikawa’sGourmet Raceplaying] [Jun Ishikawa’sGourmet Raceplaying] [Gunshot]
[Jun Ishikawa’sGourmet Raceplaying] [Jun Ishikawa’sGourmet Raceplaying] [Gunshot]
[Jun Ishikawa’sGourmet Raceplaying] [Jun Ishikawa’sGourmet Raceplaying] E;R: Hold up, but if Maxine never manipulated time to save Chloe, then she would’ve never had to go back in time to stop herself from manipulating time to save Chloe, so how does that— Plot. [Smacks lips profusely] Just plot.Life is Tumblrtries to make us care about Chloe dying with an over-extended funeral scene where everybody who didn’t even know her shows up for some fucking reason. All the while, there’s his godawful hipster music playing over it. [Foals’Spanish Saharaplaying] ♫ —in your head. ♫ ♫ I’m the fury in your bed. ♫ ♫ I’m the ghost in the back of your— ♫ What happened, Dontnod? [NilinfromRemember MeOST playing] The other ending, which the developers clearly didn’t anticipate anyone choosing, is a much shorter sequence where Maxine and Chloe drive through the wreckage of Arcadia Bay with more godawful hipster music. [Syd Matters’Obstaclesplaying] ♫ We played hide and seek in waterfalls. ♫ ♫ We were younger. ♫ The looks on their faces after they’ve killed everybody, though… MASTERCARD: Priceless. There’s some things money can’t buy. For everything else, there’s CHLOE: Hella cash. E;R: And to think THIS… this was Dontnod’s first real success. THIS is what garnered them attention and acclaim. And so THIS is what they will make more of, not necessarily out of any desire to, but because of supply and demand. They will pump out more of this sewage, and then more and even more, and collectively it will metastasize like a series of tumors, embedding itself further and further into the decaying underbelly of the video game industry. Mimics will rise from its putrid residue, just asLife is Tumblrcame spewing out of the odious slime trails of Telltale games. And these imitations will become ever more cheaper, [Distorted] ever more artificial, [Very distorted] ever more stagnant. [Terrifying sound] But nonetheless, they will compound into the puss-filled, rotting mass that has become narrative-driven gaming, and you will do nothing but lay back on your haunches, eyes glazed, [Pig squealing]
and you will do nothing but lay back on your haunches, eyes glazed, and you will do nothing but lay back on your haunches, eyes glazed, imbibing what dripping excess you can from its floppy, sunken teat. Because you have made your stinking, festering, insect-ridden bed and you will lie obediently in it as the world around you goes dark… [Tape being rewound] [Normally] Hella/10. Game of the year. Choices totally mattered. Would steal from the handicapped fund again. KONOTA IZUMI FROMLucky☆Star: Good job! PHIL FROMGroundhog Day: …in three, two, one. [Car explodes] [Alarm clock flips to 6:00] [Song and Cher’sI Got You, Babeplaying] ♫ Then put your little hand in mine. ♫ ♫ There ain’t no hill or mountain we can’t climb. ♫ Aw, nuts.
♫ There ain’t no hill or mountain we can’t climb. ♫ ♫ There ain’t no hill or mountain we can’t climb. ♫ E;R: Hella/10. Game of the year. Choices totally mattered. Would steal from the handicapped fund… Handi-CAPPED FUND.

100 thoughts on “Mad Maxine: Life is Tumblr

  1. So for anybody wondering, the clown laugh/face from 21:59 is from the IT Crowd…I think second season…good show that

  2. I agree with everything you're saying, but you also obviously don't get any of it either lol. It's sort of painful listening to you skip nonchalantly past all the real building blocks of this anti-masterpiece of a story and just point out all its obvious flaws. Like yeah, it's awful, the characters are terrible, and listening to them talk sucks my soul out. But I know why. I don't think you do. It's not just because they're annoying and badly written, it's a much deeper kind of bad. This just makes me realize I really need to do my own review of the game… Or maybe I'm just salty because for some reason I thought this was going to be some kind of "Life Is Strange: Abridged" comedy video lol

  3. XD version bought tumblr for over a bullion dollars and just recently sold it for 3 million because they realized its a worthless website. that awful place is in its grave as it should be.

  4. I was initially responding to another person's comment but decided to make this separate instead because it went on a bit of tangent.

    I really don't see how having characters in a video game be "psychologically weak" is something to criticize. Real people in real life are "psychologically weak" and contradict themselves because of the fragility of their state of being all the time, whether it's because of depression or something else. It's how normal human beings are.

    If every story has characters that are essentially all superman mentally then there's no relatability in them unless you are a narcissist who considers yourself a perfect human being. Not to say that Chloe and Max's personalities are "lol #relatable" shit, but their mental states definitely are. You can look at the characters in this game and just say they're stereotypes (which tbh really only Victoria is and even then people like her are an actual thing in high schools) but they are actually psychologically relatable. Of course Chloe is a cunt! I agree with that 100%, but she also has a whole lot of messed up shit going on in her head as well as circumstances throughout her life with no one really being there for her that has led her to that.

    Personally I don't quite get all this "tumblr" criticism and shit because I really don't use much social media at all and know nothing about tumblr, but I really don't see how it relates to anything. You're hating a character and labeling them as a tumblr tumor because they have blue hair, smoke weed, and are into grungy punk music? I don't see the issue, people can have whatever interests they want, that doesn't relate to psychological problems at all in this case, so you're really just whining about how much you hate people who act like a punkish teen. I don't quite get what the problem is with that aside from people having this annoying social stigma against it.

    Also on the topic of how everyone complains about "Your choices don't mean anything and you always get the same 2 endings!", that's honestly some of the stupidest shit I've ever heard. Yeah your choices don't affect the ending of the game much at all, but your choices give you small bits of different experiences throughout the game which lead to each player having the feeling of a personalized experience and personalized interactions with the characters and surroundings. You're going into the game expecting the wrong thing as well has having unrealistic expectations of it.

    It's just frustrating to hear people criticizing these aspects of the game (aside from the time travel which personally I don't mind but I will say it's fucking weird and doesn't line up well, but it doesn't bother me at all) because it seems like people get some weird kind of tunnel vision where they expect to see a specific thing and when it's not exactly what they want they start saying it's atrocious.

    I'm not trying to start some comment war and won't be responding to any replies as to avoid some on going argument, but I just wanted to get my thoughts out there as I think people look at this game wrong on both sides of it, with one side being this and the other being "IT'S A MASTERPIECE! I'M EXACTLY LIKE CHLOE AND MAX! #####RELATABLE #####BAE!!!!". This game is certainly no masterpiece and it has its flaws, but it's not garbage either, it's a game just like any other but I can say that I wholeheartedly enjoyed playing it and had a great time.

  5. "At least I can blame those assholes at Dontnod for not synching my lips with my dialogue lines correctly!" – BlueHaired McBitch, 2015

  6. I find Life is Strange 2 more enjoyable actually, I actually care for Sean & Daniel. It's waaayyy less cringey altogether than LiS 1 & the dialogue and characters are written way better. Not perfect but it definitely improves upon the 1st.

  7. here's every single jewish reference spot on. Remember GTK and subscribe to Pewdiepie.

    The good old clasic jew joke – 17:24

    too retarded 2 get the refence but ill add it in anyway – 23:33

    The wake up when it shows a jpeg of jewish media companies – 25:17

  8. She can literally go to any point in history after cameras were invented. She could change any number of major events and she is too stupid to know that changing them would be a bad idea.

  9. "lets talk bidness" and "you got hella cash" is so horrible its amazing that it was written, looked at, practiced, and then approved with no one going. "This sounds a bit retarded no?"

  10. haha wtf man? XD like come on..i really loved the before the storm.. the season 1 was not sure at the start but then found about rachel and chloe and liked that too.. still this video does not change the fact i liked the game..but still laughed hard XD

  11. I actually bought Life is Strange a while ago on some discount. If it's really like "Remember Me", I already regret doing so.

  12. What I wonder is what would happen if Max saved Chloe and then just an heroed herself. Would the super tornado still happen even if the catalyst/person with the power themselves died? Or would the super tornado happen no matter what regardless and now it is impossible to stop unless somebody else with similar powers went back and saved Max thus causing an even more severe rift in the timeline that would also be corrected if she let Chloe die?

  13. Notice that the cunts mother cries for her daughter if you chose that one, but if you choose the other one, the cunt gives zero shits that her mother is dead.

  14. The end of the game doesn't respect the player's agency because it's not supposed to reflect your choices, it's more commentary on the kind of person Maxine is and whether or not you want to be swept up in the same fantasy as her. Maxine hangs out with Chloe because there are shades of her character that reflect an ideal of the kind of person she'd like to be, and she will ignore the truths about her along the way just to pursue that.

    tl;dr: Saving Chloe is like taking a blue pill. (That's also why her hair is blue.)

  15. I honestly Love Life is Strange and Life is strange 2, but i see why others dont, and this video is a perfect reason why. chloe is an… ok character, but i see why other people think shes worse than i do. I completely understand criticisms, but im not gonna stop liking what i like.

  16. Guys i have a wonderfull drinking game for you. Each time somone says hella in a letsplay of life is edgy you must drink a shot. After 30 minutes i was wasted.

  17. I didn't like your video. I mean, your bases for saying LIS is bad are: There are characters with problem in there lifes (Chloe), etc; crying about the dialogue, there are lesbians in the Game, and the only two complains that can be legit (the time travell mecanic and the final decision). And for the first ones (not the two ones that are legit), you give or bad arguments (like saying that Max is just a person who is influenced by everyone else despite the fact that you can choose, for example, saying to Chloe not steal the money (because you can choose not to do that (and the same with the dog) (and even she thanks you for that)), or not arguing why is that like that (the Nathan prescott being a red herring). Sorry but for me this video is just you ranting about a Game that is good (not great or not the BEST Game on earth, just good) because you didn't like his message or somenthing

  18. 0:27 well you managed to put it down by 1% for user score, bravo E;R!
    In all honesty I don't think this game is that bad it is just so cringe that I put it in my cringe compilation.

  19. Wait, but… hold on, Life is Strange sort of did one good thing.

    With that teleporting bit you talked about, YOU JUST FLAWLESSLY EXPLAINED KING CRIMSON.

  20. Time travel is technically possible, but it's a one way trip in one direction. The only form of time travel which is remotely possible is fast-forwarding to the future. 

    Scenario: 
    > take a really fast ship, let's say 99% light speed
    > travel 153 parsecs in any direction
    > turn around
    > come back

    And voilà! You travelled about 1000 years into the future. For you the trip would only have lasted minutes, if not seconds, due to your absolutely ludicrous speed. But on Earth, a millennia has passed. So it technically counts as time travel but you can't go back. It's a one-way trip in one direction.

  21. I would like to take a moment to express my utter confusion at hearing that university is not meant for gaining intellect and is in fact meant to be a home

  22. I kill the cunt when I played the game. I couldn't stand Chloe and still don't understand the fandom why they love her character

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