Newseenex – The Newspaper You Can Cry Into

Newseenex – The Newspaper You Can Cry Into


Does recent news have you feeling down? I used to love reading the paper over a cup
of coffee, but now it just makes me angry. Anxious. Sad. We here at the US newspaper industry have
heard your concerns. That’s why we partnered with Kleenex to offer
you Newseenex – the first ever newspaper made entirely out of facial tissue. Newseenex uses a 2-ply system to collect your
tears as you read, while still providing the information you need to be an informed citizen. No, YOU’RE a pre-existing condition! Newseenex’s aloe-infused formula moisturizes
your skin the way clean water literally can’t. Because clean water… …doesn’t exist anymore. And Newseenex’s patented ink formula won’t
rub off on you, unlike rising racism and xenophobia and misogyny and homophobia and cynicism and
paralysis of conscience. See, spotless skin! But we know our readers experience more than
just sadness every day. You also experience disgust. So now, from the makers of Newseenex, come
Newseebags. They hold both your front page news and your
vomit. And for those of you on the West Coast contemplating
pending war with North Korea, we’ve got Newseepants. We’re still working on the fit. Now you don’t have to feel terrified of feeling
terrified. With the Newseenex line of paper products, you can rest assured that the news might be breaking, but it won’t break you. The news won’t break me. The news won’t break me. The news won’t break me. Thanks, Newseenex. Why? Why is this happening?

2 thoughts on “Newseenex – The Newspaper You Can Cry Into

  1. Molly kunz quiere hacer molliteros kunziados ya maña empieza el mundial que bueno, tomorrow the world cup kicks off with Russia vs Saudi Arabia and Friday what a game Spain vs portugal and lopetegui was sacked from the Spanish national team for accepting real Madrid offer

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