Reading My Childhood Journals

Reading My Childhood Journals

– Hi, my name’s Jackson Bird and today, I’m reading through my childhood journals. And there’s a lot of them. (upbeat music) So, as you hopefully know by now, I wrote a freaking book and look at this! It’s not out yet. It comes out September 24th,
you can pre-order it now. Link on screen and in the description box. But this is an advanced copy of my book, which is amazing to have my hands on. It’s very, very exciting. Ooh, previews. It’s so weird to have things
that I wrote just like in here. Anyway, it is called “Sorted: Growing Up, Coming
Out, and Finding My Place”. Available September 24th. While I was writing my book,
which is mostly a memoir, I read back through over
five dozen physical journals and thousands of words of
digital journal entries as well to sort of fact check my life,
remember what I was feeling in different things and
remember things that happened. I started keeping journals when
I was around six years old. I was never like consistent with it, but consistent enough and
have saved most of them. Wait, how old am I? (muttering) 29 minus six, twenty-three, yeah, almost a quarter of a century of journal entries documenting my
life in my own words. And while I was going through them while I was writing my book,
there was a lot of stuff that wasn’t quite right for the book, but was too good not to share. So, all of you lucky people
on my YouTube channel get to hear some of the things
for my journal entries that were not quite ready
for prime time in the book, you know, maybe just
didn’t fit into the plot, but things that I found funny. Maybe some things that
were a little emotional, I don’t really remember. We’re gonna see when I dive
in, so let’s just go and do it. All right, so I think this awesome Garfield diary was actually my first one. Wow, this is from October of 1998, when I’m literally only eight years old, and I’m already swearing. Dear diary, I guess you
could say today was good, except when (bleeping) blurted out, what about the spelling test? He’s such a pain in the ass. This is when I was seven. On Friday, we went to Lisa’s. On Saturday, we had a day trip. Tomorrow, how should I
know what we’re doing?! This entry from 1998 has
evoked an apology from me to my second grade
teacher who told me that, even if I taught myself cursive, I wasn’t allowed to write
in cursive in the classroom and I was really mad at her
for that when I was seven. But this is illegible, you
cannot read my cursive at all. So, all right, Ms. Unsen, I understand why you told me that now. Oh, I think I found my lyric book from my brief songwriting
phase in elementary school. I just wrote down scatting. (scatting) (scatting) I have a packing list for some trip that I was going on. I wanna remind you that this is a journal from when I was eight years old and I was anal enough to have a packing list for myself at eight years old. Oops! Ops! Bugs Bunny notebook. Apparently, my lizard got stuck to the top of the cage, so my brother’s
lizard peed on him somehow. And that’s all the news fit to report for June 19th, 1998. Here are some notes about how to take care of pet turtle, Squirtle. Proof that I really did have a pet turtle named Squirtle when I
was in elementary school. Oh, wow. Here’s a short story. It’s called “The Five Snowflakes
and the Big, Bad Raindrop.” One cold and dreary day,
the mother snowflake said, Tim, Tom, Tam, and Terry, it’s time you live your own lives, but what
out for the big, bad raindrop. Okay, we promise, said the snowflakes. So, they went off to build a home. And apparently, all you need
in a home is a recliner. They started to travel and explore and travel and explore until they found the perfect place to build a house. “Aren’t you glad I found it?” said Tim. “You? I found it, you nutcase,” said Tom. “Tim you just take a walk, hockey puck.” Oh, my god, my insults. “In your dreams, sour cream.” “Take a trip, sausage dip.” I was just always practicing good insults in case I ever needed them in a verbal fight, but it
just never came to that. Here’s a note about my Halloween costumes. In October, I’ll be a grim reaper. Should also know that I
spelled it germ reaper. Oh, we got some good
illustrations in this one. His name is Prince O’Beans, he is seven years old. Personality traits: farting. It is a anthropomorphic can of beans that says fart for your own good. Oh, cool, we got some Rugrats fan art. Wow, cool car I designed. The Speedmock 2000 with flames going in the wrong direction of the car. I opened my lunch box and Elvis Presley was stuck in my lunch box. I helped him out. I asked when he came back. I must’ve just learned
about him being dead and people thinking that
he wasn’t really dead. Oh, my god. In the late 90s, the 60s and 70s hippy, flower-power culture was really back in style again, so I drew this hippy, but I love that he
specifically has JNCO jeans. Had to have those JNCO shorts. I guess we were given an assignment to list things that come in pairs, so I wrote, ears, feet, eyeballs, shoes, socks, twins, Siamese twins, a two-for-one sale of hotdogs, and arms. Oh, man, I had a whole little entry about John Glenn taking
off for his last flight. Godspeed, John Glenn. This also must’ve been the
year that Scary Movie came out. Wassup? Oh, the 90s were great. Oh, wow, it’s a whole replication of the Harry Potter and
the Goblet of Fire cover. And a Prisoner of Azkaban one! Did I do all of them? And the Chamber of Secrets cover and Sorcerer’s Stone. Ooh, I started filling that one in. Harry Potter. Is a holographic Hermione locked diary. Oh, my god, this diary was a present from my fifth grade boyfriend. (wheezy laughing) Too my beloved, from yours. (sighing) P.S. I hope you right lots
of good things about me. P.P.S Happy B-day. That’s adorable, it’s adorable. I did not write many nice
things about you in there. I’m sorry. Also, very 90s, early
2000s, this is an entire journal that’s meant to
be written in gel pen. (sighing) This furry contraption that
was definitely a gift to me. Yep, first entry: today’s my birthday and I got this from my grandma and papa. Dear journal, tomorrow is May 28th, which means Harry Potter
comes out on video and DVD. I’ve already pre-ordered
it on video and DVD. Parentheses, widescreen. Here’s another Harry
Potter themed notebook that someone gave me when I was a kid. I wrote every entry
directed to Harry Potter. Some of it was about my life and then some of it was just asking him questions. I probably started this after I finished Chamber of Secrets and thought maybe he would magically write back to me like Tom Riddle does Ginny Weasley. Spoilers? There is actually some
of this in the book, so I’m not gonna share too much, but all you have to know is that I had some heavy
conspiracies that my parents were magical and my brother was a Squib and they were secretly keeping the fact from me that I was magical. Yeah. Oh, another Harry Potter themed notebook. Some fan art here. Drawing all the main
characters and the professors. This is all pre-movies, so these are all how I thought these characters would look. I think it’s basically
time for middle school. Yikes. June 5th, 2004, on-board
flight to LaGuardia, New York. So, I live in New York City now, but I grew up in Texas and this flight was the first time I
ever went to New York. Actually, the only time I went to New York before moving here. I can’t wait to see how
tall the buildings are. The ones in Dallas alone are mind-boggling and mom says New York’s
are ten times taller! Oh, I did a illustration of
me look at the buildings. This was freshman and
sophomore year of high school. There might be some juicy things in here. Ooh, maybe I don’t wanna share
some of the things in here. We’re watching Napoleon in French, again. Josh and I have his laptop
out and are listening to a Blink 182 cover of Angel of Darkness. This is so 2005. I wrote so pretentiously. (groaning) I wrote a sonnet about
someone I had a crush on. And part of it’s in French. (groaning) Tuesday, July 14th, no
unexpected Valentine’s. Aw, that’s so sad. Oh, look, a drawing of the giant squid. Was dreaming about a name for myself at fifteen years old,
in case anyone thought this whole trans thing was new for me. October 17th, 2006, Ms.
Parker warned us not to break up with anyone
tonight before the PSATs. It could seriously lower your score. That’s the kinda high school I went to. (laughing) Oh, ooh, how many more points on the PSATs would you get if you had the first kiss in a relationship the
night before the PSATs? Well, looks like I wasn’t studying. I guess at some point I was trying to clear space on my
phone and this was before smartphones and before
the Cloud and stuff. So, I didn’t want to get
rid of some of my texts, so I hand wrote all my text
messages in this notebook. Ah! Oh, here’s another
this-was-time-before-smartphones. Directions to Anthony’s. Had to literally just write out how I was gonna get to places. Probably looked it up on MapQuest and then I hand wrote it
and then I drove there. No GPS or anything. (moaning) This must’ve been a note I wrote during class to hold up to someone else. The final autopsy was just released, Heath Ledger’s death was ruled accidental. (groaning) Those were such sad times. Oh, nice, real nice. This was my friend’s drawing of what I apparently looked like. So, I went through this period where I was, like, writing out my life as if it were a book, basically, with dialogue and everything. So, here’s a scene from my life when I was working and Barnes and Noble and was talking to a co-worker. He went back to shelving manga as he asked me what I
was requesting off for. “Well, I figured if I’m
gonna be in Dallas until two in the morning, I don’t
wanna open the next day.” “And what are you doing in
Dallas until two in the morning?” “It’s embarrassing.” He looked at me. “Portus. It’s a Harry Potter convention.” He laughed and shook his head. I asked if I could defend myself, but ended up making it worse. “I’m just going for the Wizard Rock Show. I’m volunteering with
Wizard Rock the Vote” He looked at me. “What on Earth is Wizard Rock?” And so begins my life in the fandom. Here’s a quick note from my friend, telling me what time the
Obama inauguration is airing. (sighing) Brighter days. This was when my freshman roommate was there with her family, setting up her half of the dorm and moving in. Here’s a quote from her. Do I have enough hearts and butterflies? And then I wrote underneath, oh, my god, I’m rooming
with Professor Umbridge. (wheezy laughing) Yeah, we did not become friends. (sighing) And here are the notebooks
from my time at NYU. So, this is actually from
right before I got accepted to NYU when I was studying
abroad in Amsterdam and I used to just sort
of summarize everything that I did each day, so I could look back and remember it because
I was studying abraod. Allegedly, I was doing
really exciting things. Here’s a few days in a row. Thursday, April 15th, CORE
meeting and IES buffet. Got McFlurries with
Max, Rose, and Kathleen. Homework. Friday, April 16th, class,
got accepted to NYU. Saturday, April 17th,
biked to Centraal with Akemi (laughing while talking) I really just was not that stoked about getting accepted to NYU. It’s literally in there on the same level as, got McFlurries with my friends. Got accepted to NYU, as well. Anyways, next day. So, by this point, I
knew that I was trans, but just wasn’t able to
completely process it or do anything with that information. So, all the things start
getting pretty sad. I’m not gonna dive into it too deep, but here’s one that’s just written so haphazardly, it
must’ve been during class, but it says, sometimes
the need to transition grips me in the middle of class, causing me to be a bomb ready to detonate. I wanna rip out my hair, leap to my feet, and scream so loud it burns my esophagus that I’m a man and I
need everyone to know. So, that’s about, you know where my emotional level was at
when I was in college. Let’s get some more emo stuff, shall we? October, 1st, 2011, feel like
I won’t be able to connect with anyone until I’m myself. I just wanna be open
and real with everyone, but I feel like there’s a block there. I hate that I’m waiting for my life to begin when it should’ve
begun the day I was born. I’m 21. I live in the wrong body. I live a slow-motion, unengaging life. I don’t have real relationships or real passions because I have never been fortunate enough
to know what it’s like to live in a body that matches your mind. I’ve lived over two decades. All I’ve ever known is a suit of flesh that I never wanted. Yeah, things were rough
for, like, a long time. I had five years of
knowing that I was trans and wanting to transition
before I ever did and I didn’t tell many people
about it that whole time. (sighing) Okay, it’s not getting happy or funny at all anymore in these journals. I don’t think it gets
there again for a long time and, technically, since I got into 20, we’re out of the childhood journals now, so, we’re gonna leave it there for now, but, like I said, if you wanna see more of those journal entries and all of the things that came
in between the lines, in between the journal
entries, and so much more, you can pre-order my book “Sorted”, available September 24th,
available for pre-order now wherever good books are sold. See, look, journal entries. Did you keep any journals growing up? Have you ever gone back
and looked at them again? I’d love to hear in the comments what your experience with reflecting
on your childhood in various ways, maybe it’s pictures, maybe it’s journals,
maybe it’s home videos. Would love to hear your
thoughts on that kinda thing. If you like this video, you can subscribe, turn on notifications, so you can get more videos on this channel,
like two times-ish a month? Every other Wednesday? I don’t know. We’re trying to get back to consistency. We’re just gonna see what happens. You can also follow me at jackisnotabird on Twitter and Instagram and, once again, if you want my Will it Waffle shirt or any other cool merch, you can click those buttons under the
video with the pictures of the merch, or just go
to (sighing) I guess that is gonna
have to be it for now because I’m emotionally run down, but thank you so much for watching and I’ll see ya next time.

100 thoughts on “Reading My Childhood Journals

  1. Wow! It's great to see a video from you again – I kept waiting for you to post more. And thank you for sharing some of your early journal entries. And finally, congratulations on your book!

  2. I never really kept a journal in my childhood but I have a few pictures, my favorite is from halloween when I was 9 years old and I dressed up as Jeff Gordon (y’know… the nascar driver).

    I do have some digital journal entries from when I was coming to terms with being trans and such, and one entry says something like “I came out to my mom. I’m calling myself a nonbinary boy, but I think I’m really just a boy.” I think I thought “hey maybe if I make the transition from girl to boy slower it’ll be easier for my family” not realizing that the concept of nonbinary genders is just not even a blip on most cis peoples’ radars, so it would make stuff harder instead of easier lol.

    And then for a while I literally actively avoided journaling because I was in such a bad place mentally that every time I tried it spiraled into suicidal ideation? I’m out of that now, but it took a long time. I journal now, but very inconsistently still lol.

  3. That journal entry at 21 is so eerily like something I've thought and said that it really hit home… most of the things I look back on from childhood are old stories and drawings XD I never wanted to keep a journal as a kid and people always told me I should and the only times I did were to write about my imaginary friends because… for so long I never had real ones I didn't connect at all with other kids my age. After we did this whole witchy oils natural medicine liver cleanse thing with a hand scanner that honestly did help me get over some really bad allergies to foods that were building up and save me from becoming type 2 diabetic really young cause of unexpected stuff it caught (like gluten allergies etc.) But one thing they said is since I was always angry and stressed out and secluded all the time I should keep a journal and the only entry was the first one that said "dear stupid diary" and I don't remember the rest of what I wrote that day but it was all venting and complaining partially about the diary… For the longest time I've been so out of body in a way that I just let myself be 100% out of touch with reality unless I had to focus. I only really defined myself from childhood to pretty recently not as the person I am, but as all the hundreds of characters and other creative works I produced… I never really did just let myself be me except during my emo phase that I kinda have always been in since I was like 8-10ish and just never 100% left. I do honestly enjoy looking back at my old stories with horribly illegible spelling errors and almost unreadable handwriting. I got really into Hank the Cowdog so I basically illustrated stories of my own for it at one point XD I was always creating hundreds of millions of fan characters for every show I ever liked XD and some of them are like basically stick figures with clothes X'D

  4. I've never kept an actual journal (but I do have that exact harry potter hardback journal unused after ordering from scholastic books when I was a kid!) but I have been a hoarder of sentimental stuff from so I have a bunch of tickets, old story ideas and a similar text write up in a box in my house 🙂

  5. I recently looked through some old journals from when I was 8 and found a bunch of descriptions of food at different activities I went to, and also an excited explanation of how I "almost had a sleepover" with a friend.

  6. I've also been keeping journals somewhat consistently since I was a child, and I still have all of them. I have looked through them sometimes, and omg, the middle school ones are moody and emo. I still keep a journal now, so I have a lot of writing from me at different ages. It's really cool. Thanks for sharing with us!

    Also, and this has nothing to do with the video topic, but did anyone else get the ad for the Harriet Tubman movie? It looks amazing, and I'm freaking out!

  7. That college-age journal quote, how you felt about being trans — Sounds so much like my own inner feelings around that age, about being gay. Frustrated, angry, sad, depressed, wanting someone to talk to or be in a relationship with, all the above, and not knowing how to Handke my feelings because being gay was (at least I thought) not going to be accepted by my friends and family then. Heck, I didn't know how to accept it or deal with it, and yet I had known since my pre-teens that I had feelings for guys, subtle or growing more obvious. I had a meltdown alone in my dorm room as a sophomore, about 19, when I realized I was gay for sure and it wasn't going to change. — Sometime around then, I wrote a few pages of a couple of stories, long before I had any idea about gay fiction. (And this was before the internet or Netscape Navigator were a thing.) I wish I still had that, but I got rid of the floppy and the printout in a fit of worry and being unhappy with myself, and fear it would be found, a few years after that. It was probably not great writing, but it would also show how I was doing at the time, good and bad, and writing skill. — It's important to see the ups and downs. But it's also important to know we're still around and maybe gradually getting better, learning. — I would have been so amazed if I could have known there'd be a day when I could be out to anyone I knew and could have access to positive people and things online, such as books and videos. — I really wish I could have come out sooner, or some friends had helped me deal with it sooner, Or, uh, a relationship with some friends sooner, to make a more positive difference, less time wandering and unhappy. — I still wish everyone could be OK with people being gay / LGBT, and that it could be just as OK for LGBT folks to have relationships and just be themselves, as it is for the straight folks. Great video, Jackson.

  8. I’ve used to keep journals but (not to be depressing) I would write about my feelings that day and I realized how negative they always were so if I ever reread them I would get too sad so I stopped journaling, now I write fiction instead of truthful things, at least in fiction, you can stop when something gets too painful

  9. I wish I still had a photo of me taken by a step-cousin when I was somewhere between 9 and 11. I was in this very dramatic pose leaning an elbow on a big tree. I think my step-cousin partly suggested this as a common photography thing, but I think I also insisted on the overly dramatic part of it. My mom kept the photo in the kitchen for many years. (I now think my parents chose not to see that I was gay because they didn't want to deal with it. If they knew or accepted it, they never let me know in any way that got through to me.) Well, the photo has me as this little boy, leaning, looking upward toward the tree, the sky, oh so such a dreamer, and the pose, hand and elbow on the red, raised, other arm and hip out for balance, skinny pale geeky kid…. Uh, and years later, I looked at that and thought, how the heck could anyone look at that and not tell that boy's gay? Hahaha. But there were years there where I had tried my best not to seem gay. Uh, it never quite worked. I do or do not really come across that noticeably, but when I did come out, oddly, no one seemed surprised, they'd already guessed, I think. So I don't know. But the photo — shows a boy who had no idea whatsoever yet about such things, no idea that he was gay, and yet, hmm, I was. Other kids said things at school before I ever knew what they really meant. And of course, I got old enough to know what those words meant, and to start having feelings and noticing it. — I wish we all could be as OK with it and accepted as when I was that kid, before I knew. I wish absolutely that my junior high self could have been as easily accepted and OK instead of how freaked out I felt as a boy then figuring out I had gay feelings and not sure who I could talk to, if I could talk to anyone, who might be OK with me or like me or, hmm, if any (guy) friend might, um, you know, like that too, and like me that way. — High school was better. But by college, I'd had to face it that I was gay, and I had real trouble because by then, I was too aware of how other people were about it. — I wish I could have had a better time with it in junior high and in college. — But that photo was awesome in its own way, about a little guy who really didn't know yet and was perfectly happy just being himself, pre-gay and all.

  10. I started journaling about 4 months ago and I wish that I had started sooner. Having a record of how I felt when I was younger and going through hard times would be soon interesting to look back on.

  11. I kept journals when I was a kid and when my parents moved a few years ago I got a chance to see some of them and go back thru them. It was horribly embarrassing X'D I had undiagnosed dyslexia until I was like 14, so most of it's super hard to decipher. And what can be read of it is super emberassing and like… why did I write this stuff down?!?! O_o Plus I always saw kid's moms or siblings read their journal on sitcoms and was always paranoid that mine would be read by someone. So I never included really juicy stuff or stuff about being trans in them. It was all just notes, lame lists of stuff I did that day, and short stories that were highly inspired by whatever cartoon I was obsessed with at the time… Like I said horribly emberassing >W<

  12. I so wish I’d kept my childhood/adolescence journals now. But I was embarrassed by them and was so terrified of anyone reading them without permission that I shredded and/or burned all of them.

  13. I have journals going back to second grade. I went through them all when I came out and started medical transition, looking for signs. Or maybe looking for evidence so I could say, “See! The proof’s right here!” There was some of that, but not as much as I thought there’d be. What I did get out of the experience was more compassion for myself and a clearer picture of what it took for me to get to this point. It was a bit rough, though.

  14. I read a bunch of the Dear America/Dear Canada books when I was a kid, so I tried to start a journal twice or so. Both times ended within about 2 weeks 😛

  15. i kind of totally forgot you were trans for a moment so when you showed "JACK" written on the page i didnt understand why it was so interesting u wrote your own name (nickname i guess) big when you were younger lol

  16. Keeping a consistent journal for even just six months during my sophomore year of college was what led me to come out to myself. And I'm really glad I did that. I don't write regularly now, but I still write in that style sometimes. Doing it for a time helped me realize that writing is a good way for me to process my thoughts and emotions when they're just swirling around in my head.

  17. I have journals all through my life too, I spent a day labelling them different chapters! I’ve 9 so far, thought some of my entries are hard to read

  18. This was neat to hear! I unfortunately am prone to throwing away everything I've ever done and regret this now. I also didn't journal a lot cuz I would get frustrated about not knowing how to express myself and I also hated how sad I was and always forced myself to be happy… yay parents punishing me when I expressed to my sibling I really wanted to die… and also them expressing their self worth was tied to my own self worth… so lots of cognitive dissonance prevented me from getting relief from writing. I also was really embarrased by anything "fem" so… part of the reason I threw away my attempts. My childhood is a very big blur aside from school activities so I would really appreciate having journals to look back on.

  19. As an afab person that mostly likes girls, its so weird to look back at my old journals and read all the entrees were I supposedly liked guys. Looking back down now everything is so clearly faked and forced. Thank you hetero/ cis nomative society

  20. “a two for one sale of hot dogs” I literally spit a mouthful of cereal out from laughing so hard and had to pause the video to clean it up 😂

  21. I had not one, but two of that gel pen journal! I kind of actually used that one because it was full of prompts. Most every other journal I had I never kept up with for more than a couple weeks. I had one that had a bunch of sad/angry entries that I burned a few years after the fact, and that was nice to do. Otherwise I mostly only kept them when I've been on long term camping trips. I'm bummed because a series I wrote on a three month trip was just before I discovered the magic of the pilot g2 and that my handwriting is much more legible in all-caps. Also I misplaced the first one.

  22. I love hearing people reading old journal entries! My journaling has been very inconsistent for years but I wrote at least a few per year when I was younger and it's so crazy to be able to go back and read how I was feeling

  23. Thank you so much for mentioning that you knew you were trans way before actually transitioning! I'm pretty sure I'm trans and wanna transition and most my friends even know that about me but I have a super hard time to actually come out to them and be like "call me by this name and use these pronouns" and it gives me a lot of doubts cos most trans people I know came out pretty shortly after realizing they were trans. So thanks for mentioning that and on general just thanks for all the stuff you do, it's super helpful

  24. I have memory boxes that are just full of random crap from 6th grade up (I'm still adding things, I have 3 boxes). Journals never worked for me, I always forget about them.

  25. Omg I had a pet turtle named squirtle too! I wonder how many kids from 1996 to now had a squirtle haha

  26. When I was around 13 or 14 I wrote a lot about finding out I was trans and the turmoil connected to being trans in a place that doesn’t accept it a lot (I’m from the dfw area as well). I came out to my mom when I was 15 and she just rejected everything I said and yelled at me that I was wrong. I apologized, went back into the closet, and literally BURNED (I know I was dramatic) my journals. I regret it so much now as I know it’s not a phase.

  27. Did some of you transmasculine (of any gender) folks have really "girlish" things in their diary? Like playing with dolls as a child or make up later on in life, for example. The point is, I loved dolls and pink and such things as a child but I am unsure how that would fit in my story as a trans-guy.

  28. I made the mistake of drinking a can of pepsi while watching this, and ended up spilling it on my brand new shirt because I was giggling too much at your insults. I hope you're happy.

  29. I was turned off from journaling when someone in my elementary school class took it out of my desk read it behind my back. That was my first entry and my last. IIRC the journal was Rugrats themed and really cute tho. Oh well.

  30. I used to journal fairly regularly, but one time my mom read my current journal. While we were on a trip… and I was stuck in a car with her for hours… getting asked questions. I stopped journaling after that, which is a shame. Cause it helped me not bottled emotions and process things when I did it, but the breach of trust was something I never wanted to risk happening again. I'm not even sure if I have my old journals or if I destroyed them all (I'm 32 now).

  31. (tw child abuse mention) I used to keep journals then because of fun abuse things i had to start hiding them, when my abuser found them… bad things happened, so i started writing them down then immediately after burning the paper and flushing it down the toilet. One of the many many reasons i hate him because i have an amnesia disorder i do not remember really most of my childhood, and now i have no concrete way of finding out what it was like.

  32. I had 1 journal that I was consistent with when I was 12 but then my mom found it, read everything and absolutely lost her shit on me bc I called her a bitch in one of the entries 😂😂 I laugh now but it was extremely traumatizing when it happened

  33. Now i regret not keeping journals when i was a kid :c probably was for the best, my parents were too nousy anyway

  34. 9:19 Well, after seeing how much you wrote in journals it's only natural that your friends say you look like Doug Funnie… 🙂

  35. I'm 18 now and i remember i had journals when i was 13-14- that i throw to the trash bc they WERE SO DEPRESSING. Now i have a couple of ones that are More recent. I hope i read them one day and think "offf im so much better now"

  36. I 100% had that same black notebook for gel pens and both those Harry Potter notebooks. 😂 That last entry really resonated with how I’m feeling right now. I’ve known I’m not cis for a while now but I realized recently that I very much want to transition medically. Looking forward to making it happen.

  37. Now I wish i had kept my old journals from 5th grade and onward.. I kinda remember how cringey it was lol..

  38. I'm 20 now and I've been writing journals since I was 7. I've always used them as a way to express what I couldn't say out loud, to express the thoughts that no one wanted to hear or to just seek comfort in writing as relaxation. It was also a way for me to deal with feeling out of place in my body and the role that everyone seemed to have assigned me in my life. Even before I had the term "nonbinary" to describe myself with I could at least let out my thoughts through writing. I even started signing with my chosen name five years before I eventually came out.
    I have to say when you started reading at about 11:37 I could instantly relate. Thank you for sharing that thought, it made me feel better being reminded of the fact that a lot of people struggle with similar things and that I'm not the only one that writes it down to deal with it!!!
    Thank you for this wonderful video!

  39. Fuck, I relate to all of this way too much. Still haven't figured out the authenticity thing yet. I can only hope to turn out half as well as you have

  40. So awesome that you were able to keep all of those! I tried journaling when I was young (and bullet journaling just recently), but I always ended up calendaring instead. I have years of detailed calendars, and they always bring me back just the same. 😂

  41. In my school we were exclusively taught to write in cursive, but in fifth grade I realized that everyone had switched at some point so I had to teach myself how to write in non cursive.

  42. can we see the Harry Potter drawings? I'm always fascinated to see what people thought the characters looked like before the movies

  43. "(groaning) I wrote a sonnet about someone I had a crush on. And part of it's in French. (groaning)" dude I relate on a spiritual level

  44. Omgs Jackson, I had that exact purple Garfield journal!! I forgot about it until you showed it. What a flashback.

  45. I never had any interest in writing journals, so there's a lot of stuff I wish I had written down to remember later. It's weird, I feel like I remember a lot but also I don't? 🤷🏼‍♂️I got a really nice journal as a graduation gift from a friend, because I was going to study abroad for a year in the fall. So I did start writing for a while, but was never consistent with it ha. It kind of turned into a dream journal at one point, because for some bizarre reason, I was having a lot of dreams (for most of my life, I haven't remembered any of my dreams, and is true now). I still have it though!

  46. I just want to say that I had a very similar conspiracy theory as a child. I thought my dad was actually Harry Potter (dark hair, green eyes, glasses, and a scar on his forehead), my mum was [insert whichever character I was shipping him with in the books at the time] because she was British (that was the tie to England in my head), and that the stories had been changed for his privacy, but I was definitely magical, and was incredibly disappointed when I didn’t get a letter at 11. Then when I was 18, it sparked again, because my sibling and I were in line for one of the movies that was about to be released, and I got a call that I had just gotten mail from the UK with no return address. We had been reading the Tales of Beadle the Bard to get in the right mindset for the movie, and had just read a footnote in the book about a magical university for performing arts, which I was about to go to university for. I was completely positive that my letter had finally come, and I was magic after all.

  47. honestly so impressed with that drawing of the recliner. also, i recently found my childhood tinker bell planner (also from the 90s) which i used like a diary and in the slot for each day instead of writing down things i was going to do it just says things like “the worst day” and “worst day EVER”

  48. Your book looks like a paperback on the video but when you go to pre-order it, it says you can either get it as a hardback or kindle. What if I want a paperback?

  49. Rereading my childhood journals I notice lots of themes of « why do I get nervous around mary/ Katie/ Amber?. Why don’t I care about chatting on aim with boys? » and I just want to scream at my 11 year old self BECAUSE YOU’RE A LESBIAN, YOU IDIOT!

  50. I started a journal when I was 11 and still write stuff in there. It's been 10 notebooks over the last 6 or 7 years so there's quite some stuff in there and I think it's really interesting to look back on it.

  51. i always had journals but never really used them. except for two and they're the only two that i haven't been able to find for *years*. the first was my own private one that i know i had in 8th grade and used for a few years. it wasn't consistent, just when i was feeling especially strong emotions. the earliest evidence i have of my younger self thinking there's a chance i'm queer is from when i was 19 or 20, thanks to a private tumblr sideblog, but i've been curious if there was any between-the-lines evidence in that journal. i have one idea of where it could be, but i don't spend much time at my dad's house anymore, and i have a suspicion that i might've secretly thrown it away at some point in college on a weekend at home, worried my mom would clean something out and find it. i remember i was an overdramatic supposedly-heartbroken 14 year old and i think i may have written some worrying things in it. nothing to actually worry about- like i said, overdramatic- but someone else reading it wouldn't have known which parts were me being overdramatic and which parts were really true.
    the second journal was shared between me and two friends starting freshman year of high school, and passed between us for…idk some amount of time. more than a year at least. originally it was just me and one other friend, but at some point i included a third person. we had a whole letter-replacing code we had invented. it wasn't just rot13 or anything, i specifically made it so that vowels replaced vowels and common letters replaced common letters so that almost every word would still be pronounceable in code if we ever needed to use it out loud. i actually still remember a handful of words and names in that code and could probably figure it out lol. the overdramatic "heartbroken" 14 year old thing came into play there too. i had written about having a crush on this guy, i had written about "being boyfriend and girlfriend" with this guy, and then i think i happened to be the one in possession of this journal on the day he broke up with me (which, sidenote, was literally the morning after we had been up until 1am- we had class at 7am- coming home from a week-long band trip. so for the record i was sleep deprived as fuck in addition to being overdramatic, "heartbroken", and 14) so i remember somewhat violently scribbling out the entries where i had talked about him. but now i'm so far removed from that i want to go back and read it, especially now knowing i'm queer and he's apparently gay (lol how that worked out). and the first friend i shared it with has also figured out that she's queer and also wants to go back and read it. again, i assume to see if there are any between-the-lines hints that we subconsciously Knew back then. (we wrote about boys a lot ok? lol.) but one summer it ended up going home with the third friend and we never saw it again 🙁

  52. I did this text thing too! My phone could only store so many texts at a time, so whenever I felt like I just had a meaningful conversation, I wrote it down in my journal, of course only after I had written a few paragraphs to set up the context.

  53. i was looking through my old drawings the other day and i found one of a girl sitting across from a boy and i wrote on the back “it’s like i’m staring at this girl who i’m supposed to be but i’d much rather just be the boy” it was from when i was 13-14.

  54. Apparently you had one of the same HP journals that I did growing up, and seeing it in that stack had me astral projecting back to the 2000's so hard I half expected Fall Out Boy to star playing in the background.

  55. I had a journal that I had when I was younger ( still have it) and I refused to call it a diary because it was " too girly" now I understand why it hated calling it that so much

  56. The bit about the teenager poem in french hit hard because it reminded me that I wrote a shitty poem in french less than half a year ago. I'm 16 and thus cannot be responsible for my cringiness.

  57. 6:23 I HAVE THAT SAME NOTEBOOK, well it's my grandfather's, he loved Harry Potter and while he was on the road he would write letters to my grandmother that he wouldn't tear out, I miss him, thank you for showing it and reminding of mine

  58. I have an entire plastic tub of childhood journals… Maybe 20?? They’re definitely not all completely filled but some of them are. I think the earliest one is from when I was 9 years old and they go up to early college. Also I definitely have that exact same black gel pen journal! The one that’s like an “All About Me” theme that asks you to draw pictures and stuff. Ahhh, the early 2000s were a trip…

  59. I also feel that I can't really connect to people because I can't be myself with them. And that I don't really have pasions because I can't do it as myself. I just don't want to get attached to people because I know most of them will let me fall when I come out.

  60. Wow those childhood entries were hilarious! I relate to the freshman/sophomore year of high school one. I also have journals from freshman and sophomore year, and I cringe so much every time I read them. Honestly, I was not that far from writing a sonnet to my first and only partner (so far). I think I overcompensated for not feeling enough romantic attraction maybe. I showed them the journal at some point, and I don’t know what I expected to gain from it. I hope I'll be able to look back on it and laugh like you did, but since it is only a couple years since then, I can only cringe. 😂

  61. i think i got the exact same “don’t break up with someone the night before the exam” warning my sophomore year in AP euro

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